Gone are
the days where everyone seems to be pushing to find that “special someone” to
fall in love with, get married, buy a house, have kids and grow old together.
Not that there is anything wrong with this, it just does not seem logical or
reasonable in many cases anymore. The reality is, in this day and age, a career
in many cases will trump a relationship in both men and women’s eyes. The drive
to excel independently and to be able to build a life for yourself has become a
clear factor in whether someone is compatible or not. If ambitions do not line
up or the drive to succeed, the relationship will become one sided. If that
drive matches, the relationship could end up clashing.
Do not get
me wrong, I am not so jaded and cynical that I believe no relationship will work;
I am just realistic in my expectations knowing that there are so many more
factors to consider than basic compatibility. In order for a relationship to succeed,
both sides need to have made the conscious decision that they fully want to
commit to a relationship with the other. They need to wake up every day knowing
that this is the person they want to be with that day. The second that changes,
it is time to re-evaluate.
So how do
you decide if you are ready to actually be in a relationship? There are
countless articles, journal entries and quizzes you can take for sure but try
it, two different websites will give you two different answers. Ultimately, it
comes down to looking at WHY you want a relationship and this is where I have
my fun (and yes, I may have written this simply to get to look at pictures of
puppies).
1.) To Make You Happy – Puppy
This one may not be as obvious as some of the others that follow. So
many men and women seem to believe that their role as a partner is to make the
other person happy. This is INCORRECT. No one can make someone else happy.
Until you learn to be happy with yourself and how to handle moods on your own
when you are not happy, your relationship will fall into a toxic downward
spiral. The reliance on someone else to make you happy creates and very
dangerous dynamic that puts incredible pressure on both parties.
If you are simply looking for something to help you get through those
tough moments and help motivate you to get out of bed, even on the down days,
get a dog.
2.) To Make You Laugh – Partner
Some may think that this is the same as the previous statement but it is
far from it. Wanting someone to keep you laughing is looking for someone with a
sense of humour. If you are not already happy, that sense of humour will not be
appreciated. In order to truly be looking for a partner, you have to already
know how to be at that happy state and therefore, can fully appreciate the
humour someone else has to offer.
Wanting to be with someone that makes you laugh is normal. Laughter has
been proven to boost overall mood and create stronger bond between two people.
The temporary relief that can be found through laughter, from a stressful
situation, will be appreciated every time (if timed appropriately of course).
3.) For Attention – Puppy
Here is a reality check for many. Yes, it feels good with a member of
the opposite/ same gender pays attention to you. The rush of hormones and the
confidence that can follow can become almost addicting. This is where you
really need to use your adult brain here and consider what you are looking for.
Attention is cheap and temporary. It means nothing in the end other than that
you caught that person’s attention for one moment. This is not sustainable.
If you want that attention from someone to make you feel appreciated,
get a puppy. Trust me; at the words “walk”, “treat” or “play”, you will have
their undivided attention. When you come home from work after a long day, hold
a treat in your hand and your dog will listen attentively to your story.
4.) For Affection – Partner
This is the mature version of attention. Instead of simply wanting to
ego boost and the feeling of importance that comes with someone paying
attention to you, this is the actual want for comfort and care. Of course, a
puppy can give you affection as well but, this will be shallow and not quite
what I mean here. The desire for actual warmth and affection comes from wanting
to feel close to another.
Affection provides a warmth and a feeling of acceptance vs attention
that boosts confidence temporarily. How do you tell the difference between what
you want? Do you still feel the same about the person when they are not
admiring you or complimenting you? Is sitting together silently wrapped up in each
other’s arms satisfying this need? Then you may be looking for a partner.
5.) To Cheer You Up – Puppy
Here is where I am sure a few people will disagree (if you have not
already). After a long day at work where nothing seemed to go right and your mood
has taken a dip, are you looking for someone to cheer you up? Get a puppy.
A significant other can definitely help with the process (the whole
making you laugh thing) but, this goes hand in hand with making you happy. The
reliance on someone to be there to help control your mood is an unrealistic
expectation that can dangerously shift the dynamic of a relationship.
You are an adult; learn what you need do to cheer yourself up. Go for a
run, hit the gym, read a book, anything at all, just learn what you need in
that moment. No one else will know this better than you and, counting on
someone else to do it, is completely unfair. If you are looking for something
to bring a smile to your face every time you come home, get a puppy.
6.) To Support You – Partner
While a puppy can be a great cheering section on a shallow level, if you
are looking for that rock of a person that you are ready to go through life
with, you are looking for support. This is a two-way street of course and, you
need to make sure you are differentiating between simple cheerleaders vs.
something with foundation.
While a partner may not always be able to cheer you up, they should
always be able to support you. Whether it is in a decision you are trying to
make or just to listen, partners should be there for each other to provide
support through life’s hardships and victories.
7.) For Company – Puppy
Do you find yourself getting lonely in the evenings? Looking through
your phone to see who is online to chat with or inviting friends over simply to
not be alone with your thoughts? Get a puppy. A relationship will not fill this
void no matter how much you love your significant other.
If you are just lonely and, want someone to keep you company, look to
your friends and pets. Learn to be comfortable alone and learn to listen to
those thoughts that seem overwhelming. Be happy with the time you have for
yourself where you can be selfish and learn to love yourself first.
While a significant other will provide company in the long wrong, it is
the wrong reason to want to jump into a relationship. That sets you up to
settle and, puts you in a position where you are still afraid to be alone. Did
someone say needy and clingy?
8.) To Experience Things Together – Partner
The contrast to wanting company would be the actually want to build
experiences with someone. If you meet someone and realize that you would love
to travel with them, try new restaurants together and learn new things with
them, maybe explore that a little more. This could just be a strong friendship but
it could also be the foundation to a solid relationship.
The desire to be together in all circumstances and develop a story
together is a sign that this person would be more than just company. You have
identified someone that you can keep your own identity around but, are looking
to let your stories intertwine.
9.) For Confidence – Puppy
Similar to seeking attention, if you are feeling down (maybe are not so
happy about those extra pounds you put on over the past few months) and want a
boost, get a puppy. Jumping in to a relationship simply because someone makes
you feel good about yourself is a dangerous precedent.
What happens when that significant other of yours does not compliment
the way you look in the morning? What happens when they cannot come up with the
right thing to say when you do not feel at your best? This is coming from
experience, stop counting on those compliments to make yourself feel good.
You can love the way you feel around someone without relying on him or
her to make you feel that way. Stop seeking out those compliments to feel good
about yourself and learn to compliment yourself. Until you learn that, your
relationships will be one sided and dependent.
Let me make one thing clear, I am not naïve and I understand that a
compliment from someone can go a long way; look at all of the studies done
around people calling others beautiful to study there reaction but, this
shouldn’t be the end all and be all of your confidence. Learn to build yourself
up every morning and you will be happier in the end. In addition, if all else
fails, that adorable little puppy wagging his tail waiting for you to take him
for a walk does not care about the extra few pounds. That puppy loves you no
matter what.
10.) For Desire – Partner
This is a tricky one, which is why it falls so low on the list. A want
for desire (as many of us know) does not necessarily mean a want for a relationship
but, if you do not want desire, you probably are not looking for a relationship
either. Strip away the support and comfort, ignore the experiences and really
consider what the basic instinct behind a relationship is.
I am not talking old gender roles or religious beliefs; I simply mean
the hormonal drive that brings people together physically. Without this, a
relationship can be very difficult to sustain. While I understand that there
are exceptions depending on sexual orientations or physical health, a healthy
drive for desire can help to strengthen a relationship.
Overall, you know better than anyone
for what you really need. Listen to your intuition and instinct, it can
actually be right more than you realize. If something does not feel right, take
a step back to understand why. Overall, just make sure you do not let the
holiday loneliness persuade you into a relationship simply because you are
feeling lonely.
Photo Cred: https://www.facebook.com/KeanPhotography/
