The superstition or belief that due to the change in a digit means a "new you" or a "new world" is actually a little crazy but, I get it. To have a set sign off to end a terrible year would be great. To truly believe that with the countdown to 0 all the negative and trying events of the year prior just fade away and disappear must be liberating. It provides hope. A chance that maybe, just maybe, this year will be different.
Last night as I finally lay down to sleep after a small new years celebration, maybe it was the slightly larger than normal amount of alcohol consumed, maybe it was the virtual chats, maybe it was simply just a lack of sleep but, I felt my mind drifting to Groundhog Day and imagining if I woke up in the morning and instead of it being a new year, I actually woke up to January 1, 2020 to redo the whole year. My brain was flooded with how things have changed throughout the year and made me question if I had a redo, would I do anything different. Last year, on January 1, I was living in an apartment I had lived in for almost eight years, a city I had lived in for almost 14 years, I was driving to Pearson every morning for in class training for Air Traffic Control, and I was blissfully ignorant to what the year held. Since then, I graduated in class and was assigned to a different city for on the job training. I gave up my cozy, safe apartment, moved into a hotel and began the adventure. During the summer, I was placed on admin leave and moved out of the hotel into my parents. I spent a few months there, still ignorant to what was to come, and found an apartment in my new city. I moved in, and with a lot of help, painted the new apartment and made it feel like home. I finally settled and was eager to get back to work when that one call came. Training programs were cut, I was laid off.
I remember the anger that ran through me, the fear and frustration, the panic.. thank god I got to the mute button before select words came out of my mouth, but once I processed I realized there really hadn't been a choice for the company. I realized I was still better off than I could have been and luckily, had only taken over a lease so wasn't fully locked in, was able to move out, put my stuff in storage and move in with, yes, at 31, my parents again. I settled back in and quickly got to work on applying for jobs and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It became clear that I had no idea anymore. Since January 1, 2020, I have lost friends, made new ones, moved multiple times, my car has been hit AGAIN (different story, never buy a red car), had time to get to know my parents again, felt totally lost and felt overwhelmed with choice. I have said goodbye to a life that was comfortable and safe and have thrown myself into a world of unpredictability without realized my choices would lead there.
And here, lies the question, if I had a do over, knowing what I do know, would I do it all again? Would I still pursue the ATC career? Would I move? Would I wait around while on admin leave or start job hunting instead? Would I move into an apartment that I would be giving up in a few months? Different choices may have led to a much different life for this year but, ultimately, is different better?
As I lay there, wondering if I had drank enough water to ensure I felt fine the next day, I found myself running a review of the year and the choices I made. As much as I would love to say that with a redo, I would have a better idea where my future would go, I wouldn't. As much as I would love to tell myself that with a redo, I would make different choices to keep on a steady path, I probably wouldn't.
I will never fully be able to comprehend the weight 2020 has created on people. I will never be able to understand the lasting effect covid has on the patients, the families, front line workers and everyone else. I know there are horrors from this year that many would much rather forget but I also know there were still glimmers of something good. The realization of who "essential workers" are and how low their compensation is. The time to slow down and spend time with family. An opportunity to get reacquainted with loved ones and get to know who they are now. A chance to see the shaky foundation so many economies and budgets have been built on simply in survival mode. This year gave people a different view and while yes, it has been devestating for many and has shown faults and failures in many systems, it was still a "new year" from the year prior.
So really, with a redo, my choices would very much still look the same. Without those choices, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself, I wouldn't have overcome some of my most difficult challenges, I wouldn't have had a chance to build the friendships and relationships I have and, I most definitely, would not have taken the time to evaluate what really makes me happy and start to make decisions around that. So maybe a few altercations on a couple small choices but ultimately, even with everything 2020 has been a year for the books and I am ready to run full force into 2021 with everything I have learned.
It may be a new year, but it isn't a new me. I am me and that won't change simply with one digit rotating into a new one. I love who I am becoming even at my age, and that, I won't change.
Please, with all the negativity, the loss and the struggle from 2020, take a moment and ask yourself if you really would do something different and what would you be sacrificing if you did. Take time to review your choices and the changes and please, take time to trust yourself and simply, believe in yourself.
Cheers to a new year! Bring on 2021.
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