Something wonderful and amazing happened today. Of course then followed by something not so wonderful… but still. It was something strange yet familiar. I looked in the mirror this morning and, guess what? I liked what I saw. Plain and Simple. No makeup on, not sucking in my stomach, not flexing, hair not done… just me.
As I mentioned, that thought was then followed by a thousand questions of self doubt, something quite familiar. The thoughts of “does this make me full of myself?” and a quick thought of all the flaws. BUT, let’s focus on the initial thought first.
I just finished my run and was going to start getting cleaned up and ready for work. I was covered in sweat, red faced, rocking frizzy hair (thank you humidity) and yet, I looked in the mirror and smiled. I genuinely liked what I saw. I could see the progress I have made in muscle definition from running and working out. I finally stopped killing my hair with straightening tools and products allowing it to actually grow. I have been doing my best to work on my posture, not only for my health but also to project confidence. Most importantly, I saw the things I had no control over and liked those things too. I realized I like the dark colour of my eyes and hair. I like my smile and even that frizzy hair. I liked the way my forehead scrunched up as I studied myself further. I like that I have never met someone who looks just like me.
Above everything, I like the person I am becoming. The person who isn’t afraid to share my writing, as cheesy as it can be. Someone who loves her friends and family with everything I have. Someone who is passionate and strong. Someone working to be more open minded and understanding, slower to anger and judge and quicker to offer encouragement and compliments. I like that I am someone who is working to embrace change and adventure, seek out new challenges, not be afraid to look “foolish” or “uncool” (and yes, even in my 30s this can be a struggle).
All of these thoughts occurred in UNDER A MINUTE.
Less than a minute of positive thoughts before, without warning, the self-doubt and critical voice started to grow.
The first thought was to laugh at myself with a voice saying “wow, aren’t you full of yourself?” The words conceding and self-absorbed came to mind. And even though I hadn’t even thought about these things before, reasons for why I shouldn’t have been so “full of myself” came forward. My mind immediately pointed out that my body is not the “ideal” model type. That I have grey hairs coming in already and that my skin breaks out if I even think about sugar. It started saying that my hair is too thin and that I don’t dress stylish enough. Lord knows I have zero idea on how to apply makeup the way many seem to, and don’t even ask me about contouring.
What’s worse, is that after thinking these things, I accepted them as the conclusion, shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day. Not in a bad mood or anything, just with acceptance and then pushing it to the back of my mind. I had things to do, and this was normal.
Wait… WHAT? Why? Why did I just accept this inner voice? This voice telling me things meaner than anything I would ever let anyone else tell me. Why did I let my mind settle on the negative and accept it? Since when is being confident the same as being full of myself and why is that so triggering for negative thoughts? Why do I let these thoughts overshadow the initial confidence I felt?
If I really think about it, the initial confident thoughts were genuine, unprovoked impressions. They naturally came to me, without influence or suggestion. The rest, well that was taught. Taught by movies, media, people around me, song lyrics and so much more. Just think how many songs glorify that she “doesn’t know how beautiful she is” or “she is unaware of her potential”.... Hold up! Maybe I do? Maybe I know I am pretty damn awesome. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t need someone to tell me this and maybe, that doesn’t take away from it at all. What a concept!
Ultimately, and in a rambling way, my point is, STOP QUESTIONING THESE POSITIVE THOUGHTS! Stop just believing and accepting the negative ones. You are allowed to be confident, both men and women. You are allowed to be proud and aware of your strengths.
As always, thank you for reading another rant of mine :)
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