Gonna Buy Me a Dog

Gone are the days where everyone seems to be pushing to find that “special someone” to fall in love with, get married, buy a house, have kids and grow old together. Not that there is anything wrong with this, it just does not seem logical or reasonable in many cases anymore. The reality is, in this day and age, a career in many cases will trump a relationship in both men and women’s eyes. The drive to excel independently and to be able to build a life for yourself has become a clear factor in whether someone is compatible or not. If ambitions do not line up or the drive to succeed, the relationship will become one sided. If that drive matches, the relationship could end up clashing.

Do not get me wrong, I am not so jaded and cynical that I believe no relationship will work; I am just realistic in my expectations knowing that there are so many more factors to consider than basic compatibility. In order for a relationship to succeed, both sides need to have made the conscious decision that they fully want to commit to a relationship with the other. They need to wake up every day knowing that this is the person they want to be with that day. The second that changes, it is time to re-evaluate.

So how do you decide if you are ready to actually be in a relationship? There are countless articles, journal entries and quizzes you can take for sure but try it, two different websites will give you two different answers. Ultimately, it comes down to looking at WHY you want a relationship and this is where I have my fun (and yes, I may have written this simply to get to look at pictures of puppies).

1.)    To Make You Happy – Puppy

This one may not be as obvious as some of the others that follow. So many men and women seem to believe that their role as a partner is to make the other person happy. This is INCORRECT. No one can make someone else happy. Until you learn to be happy with yourself and how to handle moods on your own when you are not happy, your relationship will fall into a toxic downward spiral. The reliance on someone else to make you happy creates and very dangerous dynamic that puts incredible pressure on both parties.

If you are simply looking for something to help you get through those tough moments and help motivate you to get out of bed, even on the down days, get a dog.

2.)    To Make You Laugh – Partner

Some may think that this is the same as the previous statement but it is far from it. Wanting someone to keep you laughing is looking for someone with a sense of humour. If you are not already happy, that sense of humour will not be appreciated. In order to truly be looking for a partner, you have to already know how to be at that happy state and therefore, can fully appreciate the humour someone else has to offer.

Wanting to be with someone that makes you laugh is normal. Laughter has been proven to boost overall mood and create stronger bond between two people. The temporary relief that can be found through laughter, from a stressful situation, will be appreciated every time (if timed appropriately of course).

3.)    For Attention – Puppy

Here is a reality check for many. Yes, it feels good with a member of the opposite/ same gender pays attention to you. The rush of hormones and the confidence that can follow can become almost addicting. This is where you really need to use your adult brain here and consider what you are looking for. Attention is cheap and temporary. It means nothing in the end other than that you caught that person’s attention for one moment. This is not sustainable.

If you want that attention from someone to make you feel appreciated, get a puppy. Trust me; at the words “walk”, “treat” or “play”, you will have their undivided attention. When you come home from work after a long day, hold a treat in your hand and your dog will listen attentively to your story.

4.)    For Affection – Partner

This is the mature version of attention. Instead of simply wanting to ego boost and the feeling of importance that comes with someone paying attention to you, this is the actual want for comfort and care. Of course, a puppy can give you affection as well but, this will be shallow and not quite what I mean here. The desire for actual warmth and affection comes from wanting to feel close to another.

Affection provides a warmth and a feeling of acceptance vs attention that boosts confidence temporarily. How do you tell the difference between what you want? Do you still feel the same about the person when they are not admiring you or complimenting you? Is sitting together silently wrapped up in each other’s arms satisfying this need? Then you may be looking for a partner.

5.)    To Cheer You Up – Puppy

Here is where I am sure a few people will disagree (if you have not already). After a long day at work where nothing seemed to go right and your mood has taken a dip, are you looking for someone to cheer you up? Get a puppy.

A significant other can definitely help with the process (the whole making you laugh thing) but, this goes hand in hand with making you happy. The reliance on someone to be there to help control your mood is an unrealistic expectation that can dangerously shift the dynamic of a relationship.

You are an adult; learn what you need do to cheer yourself up. Go for a run, hit the gym, read a book, anything at all, just learn what you need in that moment. No one else will know this better than you and, counting on someone else to do it, is completely unfair. If you are looking for something to bring a smile to your face every time you come home, get a puppy.

6.)    To Support You – Partner

While a puppy can be a great cheering section on a shallow level, if you are looking for that rock of a person that you are ready to go through life with, you are looking for support. This is a two-way street of course and, you need to make sure you are differentiating between simple cheerleaders vs. something with foundation.

While a partner may not always be able to cheer you up, they should always be able to support you. Whether it is in a decision you are trying to make or just to listen, partners should be there for each other to provide support through life’s hardships and victories.

7.)    For Company – Puppy

Do you find yourself getting lonely in the evenings? Looking through your phone to see who is online to chat with or inviting friends over simply to not be alone with your thoughts? Get a puppy. A relationship will not fill this void no matter how much you love your significant other.

If you are just lonely and, want someone to keep you company, look to your friends and pets. Learn to be comfortable alone and learn to listen to those thoughts that seem overwhelming. Be happy with the time you have for yourself where you can be selfish and learn to love yourself first.

While a significant other will provide company in the long wrong, it is the wrong reason to want to jump into a relationship. That sets you up to settle and, puts you in a position where you are still afraid to be alone. Did someone say needy and clingy?

8.)    To Experience Things Together – Partner

The contrast to wanting company would be the actually want to build experiences with someone. If you meet someone and realize that you would love to travel with them, try new restaurants together and learn new things with them, maybe explore that a little more. This could just be a strong friendship but it could also be the foundation to a solid relationship.

The desire to be together in all circumstances and develop a story together is a sign that this person would be more than just company. You have identified someone that you can keep your own identity around but, are looking to let your stories intertwine.

9.)    For Confidence – Puppy

Similar to seeking attention, if you are feeling down (maybe are not so happy about those extra pounds you put on over the past few months) and want a boost, get a puppy. Jumping in to a relationship simply because someone makes you feel good about yourself is a dangerous precedent.

What happens when that significant other of yours does not compliment the way you look in the morning? What happens when they cannot come up with the right thing to say when you do not feel at your best? This is coming from experience, stop counting on those compliments to make yourself feel good.

You can love the way you feel around someone without relying on him or her to make you feel that way. Stop seeking out those compliments to feel good about yourself and learn to compliment yourself. Until you learn that, your relationships will be one sided and dependent.

Let me make one thing clear, I am not naïve and I understand that a compliment from someone can go a long way; look at all of the studies done around people calling others beautiful to study there reaction but, this shouldn’t be the end all and be all of your confidence. Learn to build yourself up every morning and you will be happier in the end. In addition, if all else fails, that adorable little puppy wagging his tail waiting for you to take him for a walk does not care about the extra few pounds. That puppy loves you no matter what.

10.) For Desire – Partner

This is a tricky one, which is why it falls so low on the list. A want for desire (as many of us know) does not necessarily mean a want for a relationship but, if you do not want desire, you probably are not looking for a relationship either. Strip away the support and comfort, ignore the experiences and really consider what the basic instinct behind a relationship is.

I am not talking old gender roles or religious beliefs; I simply mean the hormonal drive that brings people together physically. Without this, a relationship can be very difficult to sustain. While I understand that there are exceptions depending on sexual orientations or physical health, a healthy drive for desire can help to strengthen a relationship.

Overall, you know better than anyone for what you really need. Listen to your intuition and instinct, it can actually be right more than you realize. If something does not feel right, take a step back to understand why. Overall, just make sure you do not let the holiday loneliness persuade you into a relationship simply because you are feeling lonely.

Photo Cred: https://www.facebook.com/KeanPhotography/

Make it Better

Take a quick look through Instagram, Facebook or even Twitter and it will not take long to find a meme that resembles something along the lines of “I am NOT broken; I am just <insert whatever you please here>”.

                  

Whichever way it is worded, or whatever background is selected, the sentiment remains the same; “Nothing could possibly be stronger than me and capable of making me feel like something is actually wrong”. This is an incredibly dangerous statement. It sets the groundwork to dismiss impactful events as “not important” or “less severe” in someone’s mind.

First, what is it about being “broken” that people are denying? Let’s use a comparison that everyone can understand: a teenager is snowboarding and wipes out down the hill. In the awkward fall, the board lands on this teenager’s arm. This teenager goes directly to the hospital where they receive an X-Ray on their arm. This X-Ray determines that their radius is broken and, refers them to a Doctor for proper treatment.

From here, the teenager has two choices; accept that their arm is broken and receive proper treatment or, deny that the fall broke their arm, leave the hospital and insist that their arm is not “broken” it is just “hurt” and needs time to heal. As someone who has a slightly crooked pinky finger due to “healing”, I know which option I will select.

There is no logical reason to deny that this bone is actually broken. You can feel the pain, see the X-Ray image and, most importantly, realize that your arm is not functioning the way it should. The term broken does not mean irrepairable, it does not mean damaged forever and, it most certainly does not mean that the person is weak. It is a diagnosis that educates someone on what to do moving forward to ensure that everything heals properly.

So why is being emotionally “broken” such a terrible thing to admit? The same teenager is working their way through High School and they get a call down to the principal’s office. The teenager is informed that their brother has been in a terrible accident and died on site. This is traumatic. This is terrifying. This is damaging. Not only is the event itself going to sit heavy on this teenager’s chest for years, it will also affect how they interact with friends going forward. A fear of abandonment has now crept into their minds and, until this is identified, worst-case scenarios will always be assumed in every situation. They will become their own worst enemy.

This teenager is not weak nor, are they damaged forever, they just have not been given the proper tools to actually begin repairing. Two years down the line, they will be posting about how no matter what they have been through, they are not broken… they are too strong for that to ever happen. While posting this, they are simultaneously, sabotaging every relationship they have ever had by allowing paranoia to creep into their minds and therefore choking each relationship to death.

Every situation is different, every situation will have an effect on someone. It doesn’t have to be as drastic as a sudden death in the family, it could be abandonment from friends, a failed grade that separated them from all of their friends or even, a lost pet. People cope different, some not at all. In all situations, they need help. The only way to get help, is to realize that you need it.

Why is being “broken” such a bad thing? Why is it something that we have been taught to feel shame about? It isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It means you have had the strength to face a problem head on and, realize that, maybe just maybe, you need help.

We have not all grown up to be trained counsellors or psychologists, just like we have not grown up to all be doctors. I would not try to fix my own broken leg; I would trust the doctor. As a generation, we need to become comfortable with the idea that “broken” can actually be a positive term. We need to understand that realizing something may be affecting us more than we thought to begin with, is a sign of maturity and intelligence.

Everyone is “broken” in their own way. Some are in denial, some are in repair and some have been mended. Where along the spectrum do you want to be?