Tough Enough

To every woman that has ever been woken up by an alarm in the morning, exhausted and burnt out, ready to hit snooze, roll over and fall asleep again only to be reminded of the responsibilities and burdens that today holds and forced themselves out of bed, it will never be enough.

To every woman that has gone through their entire wardrobe to find that they don’t even own that one outfit that doesn’t make them feel “too fat” or “too skinny” but get dressed anyway, it will never be enough.

To those women who spend time In front of their mirror attempting to contour to perfection, cover their flaws and create new features, simply to force a smile and pretend that they are confident, it will never be enough.

To the women who have a whole arsenal of hairdryers, straighteners, curlers and product to style their hair in that trendy way that the magazine shows is in style, it will never be enough.

To all of the women who grind through work, knowing that each day that man sitting next to them with less experience is being paid the same, or worse more, but still manages to smile and give it everything they have, it will never be enough.

To that woman that has finished work exhausted from giving it everything, knows she still has a long laundry list of “to do’s” but still, sips back that coffee and gives everything left at the gym to obtain that perfect body, it will never be enough.

To the women that study and learn everything they can just to get a leg up on the competition, it will never be enough.

To each woman that tries to silence her hungry child from crying in the grocery store to avoid upsetting others, it will never be enough.

To the woman who cooks the perfect meals, watches how often she texts her crush, focuses on her friends, eats a balanced diet, makes time for her family and is never late for anything, it will never be enough.

You see, “enough” is a term that I have heard too much lately. Whether it is to encourage “you have studied enough”, “you have saved enough” or even simply, “you are more than enough”. Or in a negative way “you don’t eat enough”, “I don’t see you enough” or, “not enough time” the implications are the same. There is some silly measurement that we consider “enough” and somehow, everyone is supposed to know where that line is.

You can give every single ounce of energy you have in an attempt to be that woman you see as “perfect” and it will never be enough. Not to anyone else, but to yourself. You will always look back and think you did not save enough or you did not do enough. This is a dangerous way of thinking that ultimately will lead to you looking in the mirror and thinking, “I am not enough”. Trust me, I know.

Whether you are hearth broken, stressed at work, cramming for school, practicing for a sport, paying bills or just trying to get through a day, stop trying to decide if you are or aren’t enough. The answer, in your mind, will always have a nagging doubt.

So now, I ask: enough in comparison to what? Or even worse, to who? What does “enough” even mean? How can someone be enough? Enough is a measurement that does not match with human nature or even fit in day-to-day life. There will always be more to do. Sorry, let me repeat that, there will ALWAYS be more to do. So what? There is always tomorrow.

What are you trying to be enough for?

For your parents to be proud? They already are.

To be a role model to your kids? You already are.

To be that woman that the men want? They already do.

To be a woman that others want to be? They already do.

To be a straight A student? Keep studying.

To be a varsity athlete? Keep practicing.

Enough is a foolish frame of mind. We have tricked ourselves into believing that if we measure things on if they are enough or not, we will somehow conclude one day that all the work we need to do is done. Hate to break it to you but that is not a real thing! There will always be a new challenge, a new obstacle and a new day.

Stop thinking that you missed that shot because you didn’t practice enough.

Stop believing that you would like yourself more in the mirror if you worked out enough.

Stop thinking he left you because you weren’t enough.

Stop letting yourself feel that you aren’t enough.

Stop that anxiety driving, gut wrenching thought process.

Stop..... Just stop.

Start thinking in terms of accomplishments and actual measurable qualities. Focus on the hours you studied and realized your brain in mush and you deserve a break, not that you have studied enough. Listen to your body at the gym, it will tell you when you have maxed out, not when you have done enough.

Most importantly, focus on the person in YOU that you like and the person that deserves to feel respected and loved, not whether or not you are enough for someone else’s approval.

You are you.

Ladies, I know there are days where nothing you do feels right, where it feels like the world is stacked up against you. I know there are days where that alarm clock may as well be someone dropping a weight onto your chest. And I know, this is easier said than done. So help each other please. Competition is healthy to a point but just remember, if we aren’t supporting each other, who is? 

Not just because it is International Women's Day, but because everyone needs a boost once in a while. Please, take a second to tell a woman in your life the things that amaze you about her. If you feel jealous about something, someone else has or can do, ask them how they got there. Compliment them for it. 

Ask for help when you need it. Do things that make you feel good. Be you!

And when it comes down to it, remember, you are not “enough”, you are so much more than that.

Make it Better

Take a quick look through Instagram, Facebook or even Twitter and it will not take long to find a meme that resembles something along the lines of “I am NOT broken; I am just <insert whatever you please here>”.

                  

Whichever way it is worded, or whatever background is selected, the sentiment remains the same; “Nothing could possibly be stronger than me and capable of making me feel like something is actually wrong”. This is an incredibly dangerous statement. It sets the groundwork to dismiss impactful events as “not important” or “less severe” in someone’s mind.

First, what is it about being “broken” that people are denying? Let’s use a comparison that everyone can understand: a teenager is snowboarding and wipes out down the hill. In the awkward fall, the board lands on this teenager’s arm. This teenager goes directly to the hospital where they receive an X-Ray on their arm. This X-Ray determines that their radius is broken and, refers them to a Doctor for proper treatment.

From here, the teenager has two choices; accept that their arm is broken and receive proper treatment or, deny that the fall broke their arm, leave the hospital and insist that their arm is not “broken” it is just “hurt” and needs time to heal. As someone who has a slightly crooked pinky finger due to “healing”, I know which option I will select.

There is no logical reason to deny that this bone is actually broken. You can feel the pain, see the X-Ray image and, most importantly, realize that your arm is not functioning the way it should. The term broken does not mean irrepairable, it does not mean damaged forever and, it most certainly does not mean that the person is weak. It is a diagnosis that educates someone on what to do moving forward to ensure that everything heals properly.

So why is being emotionally “broken” such a terrible thing to admit? The same teenager is working their way through High School and they get a call down to the principal’s office. The teenager is informed that their brother has been in a terrible accident and died on site. This is traumatic. This is terrifying. This is damaging. Not only is the event itself going to sit heavy on this teenager’s chest for years, it will also affect how they interact with friends going forward. A fear of abandonment has now crept into their minds and, until this is identified, worst-case scenarios will always be assumed in every situation. They will become their own worst enemy.

This teenager is not weak nor, are they damaged forever, they just have not been given the proper tools to actually begin repairing. Two years down the line, they will be posting about how no matter what they have been through, they are not broken… they are too strong for that to ever happen. While posting this, they are simultaneously, sabotaging every relationship they have ever had by allowing paranoia to creep into their minds and therefore choking each relationship to death.

Every situation is different, every situation will have an effect on someone. It doesn’t have to be as drastic as a sudden death in the family, it could be abandonment from friends, a failed grade that separated them from all of their friends or even, a lost pet. People cope different, some not at all. In all situations, they need help. The only way to get help, is to realize that you need it.

Why is being “broken” such a bad thing? Why is it something that we have been taught to feel shame about? It isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It means you have had the strength to face a problem head on and, realize that, maybe just maybe, you need help.

We have not all grown up to be trained counsellors or psychologists, just like we have not grown up to all be doctors. I would not try to fix my own broken leg; I would trust the doctor. As a generation, we need to become comfortable with the idea that “broken” can actually be a positive term. We need to understand that realizing something may be affecting us more than we thought to begin with, is a sign of maturity and intelligence.

Everyone is “broken” in their own way. Some are in denial, some are in repair and some have been mended. Where along the spectrum do you want to be?

She's Not Just a Pretty Face

At some point in everyone’s life, there are defining moments; moments that make you who you are as you grow up. Whether you value money, looks, intelligence or athletics, in many cases, this can be accredited to those defining moments. In grade school, were you celebrated for having top grades in all of your subjects? Did you find your glory with a winning touchdown? Was your proudest moment being nominated as best dressed at graduation? All of these moments create a feeling of pride, of belonging and, more importantly, they create a memory in your mind of how to get the feeling of pride and belonging.

It’s simple, if you are rewarded for something, whether with praise, money or trophies, you associate happiness with the reward. Similarly, if you are punished for something, you associate sadness with the punishment. Most people (yes I know exceptions) seek to feel happiness in their lives. So what do they do to achieve this? They go back to the basic actions that brought them happiness in the past, therefore, creating a habit. That kid growing up that was always praised for being an incredible athlete and felt the glory of their teammates celebrating them for amazing plays, puts immense value in being athletic. That kid, who was praised for the high marks by their parents and given money for every A, now seeks praise for intelligence. Obviously, this is very simplified and, if you are some psychologist, I know you will rip it apart with technicalities and exceptions, but overall there is truth to this. Bringing me to my point, don’t call me beautiful.

If you are ever in the delivery wing of a hospital, listen to people talking. They will be holding a little baby girl saying “oh she is so beautiful!” Okay, I don’t know if you have ever seen a new baby but, I hate to break it to you, they are not beautiful. They are all shriveled up, pink and probably flaky. That child can’t open her eyes, let alone acknowledge the comment; yet, the brainwashing begins.

Say that girl is now four years old. She has started school with the other kids and is getting ready in a brand new dress for her first day. Mom or Dad want a picture and can’t stop awing and cooing over how precious and beautiful their baby girl is. As they snap pictures nearly blinding the child, they continue to repeat she is beautiful. Her parents hug her and send her to school. Don’t even get me started about picture day.

End of grade eight rolls around; she is getting dressed up for graduation (which is actually a thing… I am talking full gowns that cost more than my last car payment). Somehow, somewhere in that subconscious, there is a memory from her first day of school and how special she felt. The word “beautiful” is circling in her head creating pressure. She wants to feel special again, she has to look beautiful. Hence the $300 dress, hair style, pedicure, manicure and of course, new shoes. Again, Mom or Dad begins with the pictures and the praise, only further embedded the importance of being beautiful into her mind.

Everyone blames the media for this necessity for woman to be thin, for the increase in eating disorders. But, someone, somewhere, had to begin this trend. I am not saying it is bad to compliment a girl on her looks but, why is it always beautiful? What is wrong with saying a girl looks strong? That she looks healthy? Better yet, that she looks happy?

Start it young and start it early. Next time you look at a “beautiful” baby girl, flip your thought, instead of saying she is beautiful, start early and say she looks “healthy” or “strong”. You may laugh saying that a baby can’t look strong but, as discovered earlier, they really don’t look “beautiful” either.

You can still tell a girl she is beautiful but, please, say it for the right reasons. Say it because she just finished running a full event on her own and still has a smile on her face. Say it because she just completed her university applications and is filled with anticipation for her future.

Start this before they can even understand the words you are saying.