Hold on Loosely

Take a handful of playdoh and roll it up into a perfect ball. Place the playdoh in your hand with your palm facing upward and slight cupped. If you tilt your hand side to side, the playdoh will roll back and fourth and ultimately fall out of the cup back to the table.

Now, place the playdoh back in your hand and fold your hand over fully without pressing into the ball. You can tilt your hand back and fourth, even shake your hand. The ball will roll around inside your hand, maybe even shift it's shape slightly but, will remain within your hand.

Next, grip as tightly as you can into the playdoh. Try to keep it in that ball form and do not allow any to escape through the cracks of your fingers but, squeeze as hard as you can. The ball will quickly be destroyed and, no matter how hard you fight, the playdoh will begin to escape through your fingers.

Consider this ball your relationships, your friendships, even your goals. The harder and tighter you hold onto someone or an idea, the more you destroy the initial thing you were holding onto. The tighter you hold onto how something "should be" or how someone "should act" the more you will have to fight with things going "wrong".

On the other side...no effort at all, and you lose everything.

It's an almost impossible balance to obtain. Somehow, you have to keep the goal in mind, or show the person affection, let it shift and move around, without grasping too tightly or letting go (I seem to remember a song about this...).

The point is, the harder we try to fight to keep things exactly the same and in the same place, the more we are at risk of destroying it completely. 

Things change, people change, goals change.

Running on Empty

Today was hard and I didn’t know why. The weather was overcast and colder than it should be, but that shouldn’t matter. Work is slowing down which can put a strain on finances, but at least I have a job. I’m stressing about an upcoming recruitment test, but at least I have the opportunity. The pain from whiplash I received after my car was rear ended is tiresome, but it could have been a lot worse. I haven’t been able to go to the gym or be as active as I would like, but at least my physio will be covered. I put on a few extra pounds over the past month, making me pull at my clothing and try on a few extra outfits before I go out, but I am still in better shape than I was two years ago.

I should be grateful for those amazing people I have in my life, and I am. I should be thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my fridge, and I am.  I should just be happy and enjoy my life, but today I can’t.

For some reason, something just feels off. Everything takes a little extra effort. I’m irritable and snapping on those people that are just trying to help. I’m tired and lack the normal motivation I carry. I’m worried about what I’m going to wear for an interview even though I still have days to plan. My chest feels tight and my mind won’t focus. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be grateful?

I get angry with myself when I feel this way. I have never been diagnosed with depression, nor do I think I need to be. These days are few and far in between. I have people I can talk to but, I don’t know how to explain what is going through my head.

The day to day stress, the added up toll each event has taken on me and the overall demands that come simply from being an adult have become almost too much. I say almost because I still got up in the morning. I still put my feet on the floor as much as I didn’t want to, and I still dragged myself outside to make sure my dog got outside. The fresh air woke me up a little and gave me hope that this feeling would lift but it didn’t. Just another reason to be disappointed in myself.

I got dressed and got to work. I found small, easy tasks to keep me busy and just did them at my own pace. I kept reminding myself just to be grateful for the job. Each task felt mindless, and worse, meaningless but, with each task complete, at least I did something. I started looking through my calendar to see what I could plan to help lift this and realized I don’t have a day off for the next two weeks…. Oh goody. That’s okay, at least I have a job.

It wasn’t until I stopped for lunch that I realized what this was, I am burnt out. Plain and simple. I am tired from the physical pain in my neck and shoulders, I am tired of feeling like no matter how hard I work it will never be enough and ultimately, I am just tired. Now what?

Now, it’s time to stop being mad with myself. It’s time to stop being disappointed in myself for feeling this way and just accept that this is a hard day. It’s time to give myself permission to feel like this and, to do what I must so that I feel better. The more I fight this the worse it gets. The more I blame myself and call myself “selfish” or “spoiled”, the more I start to believe it and the worse I will feel.

I am not writing this for pity, I am writing this because I know EVERYONE has felt this way one time or another. Sure, there are reasons I can blame but, when push comes to shove, the reason is simple, I am burnt out just like so many of you. It’s hard sometimes to pin point it. You just start to feel tired, start to count the days until a day off, start to feel the weight on your chest… slowly over time. Before you know it, your energy is at zero and all you want to do is go to the nearest international airport and hop on a plane to some tropical island where the sun is shining, the water is clear and you have a delicious drink in your hand without a care in the world.

So how am I going to cope today? I am going to start planning that trip. Maybe it won’t be for another couple months or maybe not for a year but, it will happen, and I am going to start taking small little steps to get to it. Much like today at work, those small mindless, meaningless tasks may feel like nothing but, they add up to complete an entire shift. Then before you know it, it’s home time.

All that cheesy stuff of “eat right”, “get exercise”, “take time to appreciate the little things”… all great advice but not realistic right now. Sure, I can pick to snack on carrots instead of chips (that’s easy) and, I can go for a walk with my dog (not the same feeling as an actual workout but it’s something) and, I can appreciate so much in my life but, how will that help now? Nothing is going to immediately help so, for now, it’s time to just acknowledge that I am allowed to feel this way, it will pass and I can do small things to push that along.

Today may have been hard, tomorrow may be harder, but at least now I can accept that and let myself feel that way. At least now, I know what I have to do and can stop beating myself up for something I can’t control.

Push It

We live in a society where everyone lives by a highlight reel broadcasted on Instagram or Snapchat that hides their “bloopers” or “reality” from the world. Everything is edited, filtered or catered to an audience. If you are sitting there thinking “I don’t use filters” and “I don’t do this” … if you are being honest, good for you but, if I’m being honest, I call BS. Whether you use a filter on a picture or simply filter through which pictures you post, it is still a filter. Everyone caters their social media to portray whatever image it is that they want others to see. Even those who post EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, are still working to create a specific image. I can focus on how twisted this world is that we live in where many determine their value simply by their social media presence but, I feel like that topic is tired and repetitive. We all know the implications, we all claim we don’t do it and yet we all do, let’s move on.

What I want to focus on is a message that seems to keep coming up in so many social media feeds which is “you don’t NEED a boyfriend” or “you don’t NEED something you don’t have”. These are very important messages that I do agree with but, I also think it can stray away from another message of; “it’s okay to WANT something”. Just because you don’t need something but want something, doesn’t make you a bad person or a weak person. It is human nature and a strong motivating factor to keep moving forward in your life.

Just because you have a comfortable life, doesn't mean you can't give up on wanting adventure.

Just because you have accepted that you don’t need more money to be happy, doesn’t mean you can’t work harder at your job to move up the ladder and make more. 

Just because you don’t need a significant other, doesn’t mean you can’t go on dates and meet no people hoping that there is someone out there you click with. 

Just because you have accepted that you don’t need that perfect beach body, doesn’t mean that you can’t push yourself harder at the gym or make healthier choices for food… even just occasionally.

Desire and wanting is not a bad thing. It comes down to what you do with it that will determine one way or another. You can look at a picture of your friend at a beautiful resort and wish you had the means to make a vacation like that happen for yourself but, instead of getting jealous, maybe talk to that person. Ask them how they saved up. Maybe take a good look at what you are spending your money on and start to prioritize or, even meet with a Financial Advisor.

That drive that can come from a basic desire of something you want for yourself can be powerful if you channel it right. Don’t let it turn into jealousy or self pity but, embrace it and work towards what you want.

I truly believe you should find happiness with what you have and be grateful for it all. That doesn’t mean you can’t push for more. I’m not going to lie, after seeing some messages on social media I almost started to feel guilty for the drive and ambition that I have, for the things that I want in my life. Until I stopped to think about it. Why should I feel guilty for taking steps towards more? I am grateful that I was raised with a drive to keep pushing for more in my life and yet, I love the life I live right now. It isn’t one or the other and ambition should not be frowned on.

Basically, all I am saying is that it is okay to want something. Just don’t blame others for you not having it. Work towards it, push yourself, plan and stick to it.