Running on Empty

Today was hard and I didn’t know why. The weather was overcast and colder than it should be, but that shouldn’t matter. Work is slowing down which can put a strain on finances, but at least I have a job. I’m stressing about an upcoming recruitment test, but at least I have the opportunity. The pain from whiplash I received after my car was rear ended is tiresome, but it could have been a lot worse. I haven’t been able to go to the gym or be as active as I would like, but at least my physio will be covered. I put on a few extra pounds over the past month, making me pull at my clothing and try on a few extra outfits before I go out, but I am still in better shape than I was two years ago.

I should be grateful for those amazing people I have in my life, and I am. I should be thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my fridge, and I am.  I should just be happy and enjoy my life, but today I can’t.

For some reason, something just feels off. Everything takes a little extra effort. I’m irritable and snapping on those people that are just trying to help. I’m tired and lack the normal motivation I carry. I’m worried about what I’m going to wear for an interview even though I still have days to plan. My chest feels tight and my mind won’t focus. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be grateful?

I get angry with myself when I feel this way. I have never been diagnosed with depression, nor do I think I need to be. These days are few and far in between. I have people I can talk to but, I don’t know how to explain what is going through my head.

The day to day stress, the added up toll each event has taken on me and the overall demands that come simply from being an adult have become almost too much. I say almost because I still got up in the morning. I still put my feet on the floor as much as I didn’t want to, and I still dragged myself outside to make sure my dog got outside. The fresh air woke me up a little and gave me hope that this feeling would lift but it didn’t. Just another reason to be disappointed in myself.

I got dressed and got to work. I found small, easy tasks to keep me busy and just did them at my own pace. I kept reminding myself just to be grateful for the job. Each task felt mindless, and worse, meaningless but, with each task complete, at least I did something. I started looking through my calendar to see what I could plan to help lift this and realized I don’t have a day off for the next two weeks…. Oh goody. That’s okay, at least I have a job.

It wasn’t until I stopped for lunch that I realized what this was, I am burnt out. Plain and simple. I am tired from the physical pain in my neck and shoulders, I am tired of feeling like no matter how hard I work it will never be enough and ultimately, I am just tired. Now what?

Now, it’s time to stop being mad with myself. It’s time to stop being disappointed in myself for feeling this way and just accept that this is a hard day. It’s time to give myself permission to feel like this and, to do what I must so that I feel better. The more I fight this the worse it gets. The more I blame myself and call myself “selfish” or “spoiled”, the more I start to believe it and the worse I will feel.

I am not writing this for pity, I am writing this because I know EVERYONE has felt this way one time or another. Sure, there are reasons I can blame but, when push comes to shove, the reason is simple, I am burnt out just like so many of you. It’s hard sometimes to pin point it. You just start to feel tired, start to count the days until a day off, start to feel the weight on your chest… slowly over time. Before you know it, your energy is at zero and all you want to do is go to the nearest international airport and hop on a plane to some tropical island where the sun is shining, the water is clear and you have a delicious drink in your hand without a care in the world.

So how am I going to cope today? I am going to start planning that trip. Maybe it won’t be for another couple months or maybe not for a year but, it will happen, and I am going to start taking small little steps to get to it. Much like today at work, those small mindless, meaningless tasks may feel like nothing but, they add up to complete an entire shift. Then before you know it, it’s home time.

All that cheesy stuff of “eat right”, “get exercise”, “take time to appreciate the little things”… all great advice but not realistic right now. Sure, I can pick to snack on carrots instead of chips (that’s easy) and, I can go for a walk with my dog (not the same feeling as an actual workout but it’s something) and, I can appreciate so much in my life but, how will that help now? Nothing is going to immediately help so, for now, it’s time to just acknowledge that I am allowed to feel this way, it will pass and I can do small things to push that along.

Today may have been hard, tomorrow may be harder, but at least now I can accept that and let myself feel that way. At least now, I know what I have to do and can stop beating myself up for something I can’t control.