Today was hard and I didn’t know why. The weather was
overcast and colder than it should be, but that shouldn’t matter. Work is
slowing down which can put a strain on finances, but at least I have a job. I’m
stressing about an upcoming recruitment test, but at least I have the
opportunity. The pain from whiplash I received after my car was rear ended is
tiresome, but it could have been a lot worse. I haven’t been able to go to the
gym or be as active as I would like, but at least my physio will be covered. I
put on a few extra pounds over the past month, making me pull at my clothing
and try on a few extra outfits before I go out, but I am still in better shape
than I was two years ago.
I should be grateful for those amazing people I have in my
life, and I am. I should be thankful for the roof over my head and the food in
my fridge, and I am. I should just be
happy and enjoy my life, but today I can’t.
For some reason, something just feels off. Everything takes
a little extra effort. I’m irritable and snapping on those people that are just
trying to help. I’m tired and lack the normal motivation I carry. I’m worried
about what I’m going to wear for an interview even though I still have days to
plan. My chest feels tight and my mind won’t focus. Why can’t I just be happy?
Why can’t I just be grateful?
I get angry with myself when I feel this way. I have never
been diagnosed with depression, nor do I think I need to be. These days are few
and far in between. I have people I can talk to but, I don’t know how to
explain what is going through my head.
The day to day stress, the added up toll each event has
taken on me and the overall demands that come simply from being an adult have
become almost too much. I say almost because I still got up in the morning. I
still put my feet on the floor as much as I didn’t want to, and I still dragged
myself outside to make sure my dog got outside. The fresh air woke me up a
little and gave me hope that this feeling would lift but it didn’t. Just
another reason to be disappointed in myself.
I got dressed and got to work. I found small, easy tasks to
keep me busy and just did them at my own pace. I kept reminding myself just to
be grateful for the job. Each task felt mindless, and worse, meaningless but,
with each task complete, at least I did something. I started looking through my
calendar to see what I could plan to help lift this and realized I don’t have a
day off for the next two weeks…. Oh goody. That’s okay, at least I have a job.
It wasn’t until I stopped for lunch that I realized what
this was, I am burnt out. Plain and simple. I am tired from the physical pain
in my neck and shoulders, I am tired of feeling like no matter how hard I work
it will never be enough and ultimately, I am just tired. Now what?
Now, it’s time to stop being mad with myself. It’s time to
stop being disappointed in myself for feeling this way and just accept that
this is a hard day. It’s time to give myself permission to feel like this and,
to do what I must so that I feel better. The more I fight this the worse it
gets. The more I blame myself and call myself “selfish” or “spoiled”, the more
I start to believe it and the worse I will feel.
I am not writing this for pity, I am writing this because I
know EVERYONE has felt this way one time or another. Sure, there are reasons I
can blame but, when push comes to shove, the reason is simple, I am burnt out
just like so many of you. It’s hard sometimes to pin point it. You just start
to feel tired, start to count the days until a day off, start to feel the
weight on your chest… slowly over time. Before you know it, your energy is at
zero and all you want to do is go to the nearest international airport and hop
on a plane to some tropical island where the sun is shining, the water is clear
and you have a delicious drink in your hand without a care in the world.
So how am I going to cope today? I am going to start
planning that trip. Maybe it won’t be for another couple months or maybe not
for a year but, it will happen, and I am going to start taking small little
steps to get to it. Much like today at work, those small mindless, meaningless
tasks may feel like nothing but, they add up to complete an entire shift. Then
before you know it, it’s home time.
All that cheesy stuff of “eat right”, “get exercise”, “take
time to appreciate the little things”… all great advice but not realistic right
now. Sure, I can pick to snack on carrots instead of chips (that’s easy) and, I
can go for a walk with my dog (not the same feeling as an actual workout but it’s
something) and, I can appreciate so much in my life but, how will that help
now? Nothing is going to immediately help so, for now, it’s time to just acknowledge
that I am allowed to feel this way, it will pass and I can do small things to
push that along.
Today may have been hard, tomorrow may be harder, but at
least now I can accept that and let myself feel that way. At least now, I know
what I have to do and can stop beating myself up for something I can’t control.
