Thank You

It was an anger that had been festering in my chest over months. An anger that grew with every disappointment, every foolish protest, every article, every new covid count release. It was a vice that wrapped tighter and tighter making me more resentful towards the world. It made me see the worst in everyone. Their little habits that drove me nuts. People's inability to hold a door or even their lack of thanks when you held a door for them. Thankfully I was wearing a mask in public so no one could actually see that my smile had been replaced with a scowl. 

I was focusing on the lost. Like many others, I had lost someone to covid, lost someone else to cancer, lost my job (and with it, I felt, my future), I had lost my life I gave up for the job that I lost, the list just kept going. I let bitterness slide into my mind and then most recently, my move that erupted into chaos with every new development. From simple UHaul mess ups over and over to issues with property management, people not keeping their word, and even lack of judgement on how big my four door sedan is, I was spiraling into a state where all I could see was bad. I hated it, I could see I was doing it but couldn't stop and then what is worse, I hated myself for getting to that point. 

It all came to a crashing halt yesterday, almost literally. I was stressed, nothing had gone the way it was supposed to but somehow things had worked out enough to get through. I had my car fully loaded with what was left of my stuff that hadn't fit into the UHaul and hadn't been stored with an amazing friend I made while living where I was. My puppy was in the backseat and I was making my way to my parents. It was snowy and I hadn't gotten my snow tires on yet since I had just recently gotten my car back from the shop after being side swiped. I was driving at about 50 km/hr on an 80 km/hr road (yes I was being one of those people) and just as I got over the peak of a hill and started to go downhill, I saw a car ahead start to skid out of control. I hit my brakes and quickly realized there was no traction. I tried every trick I knew, even streering into the skid but as if in slow motion, my car slid a full 360 and slid down into the ditch softly stopping without hitting anything. My car was stuck. I was stuck. 

I looked over and saw someone walking towards my car. This man waved to a pickup truck driver who also stopped. Without a single hesitation, both checked to make sure I was okay, said hi to my pup and proceeded to work on hooking up my car to the pickup to pull out. It was across two active lanes so we had to wait for a gap, which seemed to never come, but they patiently waited. Once we got one the truck driver backed up while the other man hooked my car up to get it out as quick as possible. A quick tug and my car was free. I pulled over after to thank them and try to find anything in my car to give them as thanks but was told not to worry and just to drive safe. 

As I pulled away I felt tears in my eyes. Not because I was sad, not because I was scared but because instantly all of the things I have to be grateful for came flooding into my mind. The things I had failed to see. The fact that yes, I lost my job but not the experience. The fact that my amazing parents and family have been there for me every step of the way. The fact that I have friends who showed up for me to help when there really was nothing in it for them and they did it without question. The fact that I have someone in my life willing to give up days, weeks, just to help me and be there for me, asking nothing in return. The fact that even just living somewhere for a short period of time I came to know an incredible woman who helped me move without hesitation and even let me store things at her place while I figured stuff out. The fact that complete strangers had stopped in a snowstorm and the freezing cold to pull me out without asking for anything. 

Days still feel heavy, stress still is there but, to those complete strangers, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity and helping me see a much brighter side to this world. 

What Can We Do?

I cried today. Not for a specific reason, and yet for so many reasons. It wasn’t the type of tears that fall begging for someone to hold me, it wasn’t the tears I’ve cried at funerals mourning the loss of a loved one, it wasn’t like tears I had ever cried before.

I wasn’t trying to hide from anyone to seem brave or to pretend I was okay, they were simply my tears and, mine alone. As silly and as odd as it sounded, I simply wanted to cry, uninterrupted without the burden of trying to explain why. I didn’t need a hug, or someone to tell me they were there for me, I know they are. I didn’t need a reminder that I wasn’t alone, I know I’m not. I simply needed to let it out. Something in my brain just told me it was time to let everything out… and I don’t own a punching bag at this time so, the tears just started to fall.

These tears were all the emotions that had been caught in my throat but didn’t come out. It was the frustrations that built over time, those moments where my eyes glossed over as if tears were going to fall but they didn’t. It was the moments of anger and sadness I had stacked on top of each other. It was the loss of a friend, the fear for a family member, the constant reminder that the future, is completely outside of our control.

Tragedies, one after another, constantly in your face no matter where you look. The feeling of helplessness mixed with a complete lack of understanding of the emotions you are feeling. Quicker to anger than you mean to be, and therefore hurting those you love with a sharper than intended response. Lower energy, as the “to do” list continues to pile up and you convince yourself that when the gyms open you will get back in shape, but who really knows when that will be. The feeling of being trapped in a “twilight zone” where you are just “killing time” with no real purpose or plan. Spinning in circles, no real path.

I spent so much time, pushing myself forward, constantly striving to improve one way or another, that I forgot what it felt like to focus on things closer to home or even in my own mind. I was always pushing to the next step, the next moment, that really, I hadn’t stopped to check in with me. I hadn’t taken those moments to grieve what I needed to grieve or even process huge life changes that had taken place. It was simply about pushing down those doubts and emotions and moving on to the next step. Good or bad, the dialogue in my mind had become so disconnected with my body that my brain could be screaming at me to slow down, but my body would do the opposite. I had burned myself out before and instead of really giving myself a moment to understand what had caused it, I started focusing on moving forward from it once I realized what it was.

I find myself upset, with myself, with the world, with my lack of control over my future right now, but then even more upset that I can’t just enjoy the time I have. I end up at a war with myself, appreciating the time I have but, still trying to plan for an unpredictable future.

I know I am not the only one who has escaped even just for a moment, whether it’s to finally let those tears fall or to just be alone. We were never taught how to handle this. This wasn’t something we learned in school, nor is it something that could ever be prepared for. Each situation is so unique that it would be impossible to tell someone the best way to get through this.

My tears fell, for no specific reason but for so many reasons. It didn’t magically make everything okay by just letting it out, but it made my chest feel just a little lighter. It helped me to take a deep breath in, hold my head up, and realize that I’m going to be okay.

You've Got a Friend in Me

It's amazing how priorities change. Something that seemed so important and significant a month ago, doesn't even hit the radar anymore. One little event or person that caused you to lose sleep this same day last year, is a distant memory today that doesn't even cause a blip in your pulse if it crosses your mind. The people you swore were your "bff" and imagined hanging out together old and wrinkly, are simply another name on your Instagram feed that pops up once in a while. 

I've noticed that as I get older, I don't want the same people in my life that I used to. No longer do I crave those people that laugh at my jokes and boost my ego. No longer do I care if the person I'm with likes the same music that I do or cheers for the same sports team. Those people that used to always be down for a drink no matter the time or day, or the ones that always wanted to go out now are no where to be found when real life events hit. Don't get me wrong, those friendships were still real, just different. They were based around an environment that just couldn't last. 

Instead of craving someone to tell me that my new hair colour looks great, I crave someone who instead, will ask me how my new job is going and actually listen to my response. Instead of getting excited when a friend messages me to go out to the bar for a drink, I smile when my friend asks me to go for a walk, for dinner or even just if it's a good time to call. Instead of hoping that someone will agree with me about everything because my fragile inexperienced ego can't take a disagreement, I look to hear a different perspective from my friends who aren't afraid to disagree with me. Instead of telling me everything is okay because I'm nervous about moving, they send me a list of things to do in the new city and tell me they can't wait to do those things with me when they visit. Instead of looking to date a man who just wants to make me happy, I look for someone who knows how to make himself happy and isn't afraid of sadness.

Yes, I know some of my friends are laughing at this right now and are ready to tell me I'm getting old, and that's why I love you. It's weird, it feels like it almost happened overnight but I know it didn't. It feels like all of a sudden, I looked around and I wanted different things, from people, from my life, from everything. Don't get me wrong, I still love the late nights with a few drinks and the nights we end on the dance floor as the lights come on, but that's no longer the solid connections. 

My friends now are the ones who know how to tell me I'm being crazy or dramatic when I am, and aren't afraid that I might get annoyed. My friends are the ones who, even in the hardest times, tell me the truth, knowing that even if it upsets me in that time, our bond is stronger than that and I will get over it and be grateful for the truth. My friends are the ones that know they can say "not today" or even "too tired" and get that I will understand. My friends are the ones that understand "life happens" and know I understand the same. 

It's a lesson I wish I learned a little earlier but I am happy I am slowly learning now. The value of real, honest and opinionated people is impossible to quantify but I know I am lucky enough to have quite a few people like that in my life. 

The one lesson I wish I had learned sooner: Don't be afraid of disagreement, don't be afraid to have a different opinion and express it and don't be afraid if someone does the same to you. Respect those people, they are the ones you want in your life.