What Can We Do?

I cried today. Not for a specific reason, and yet for so many reasons. It wasn’t the type of tears that fall begging for someone to hold me, it wasn’t the tears I’ve cried at funerals mourning the loss of a loved one, it wasn’t like tears I had ever cried before.

I wasn’t trying to hide from anyone to seem brave or to pretend I was okay, they were simply my tears and, mine alone. As silly and as odd as it sounded, I simply wanted to cry, uninterrupted without the burden of trying to explain why. I didn’t need a hug, or someone to tell me they were there for me, I know they are. I didn’t need a reminder that I wasn’t alone, I know I’m not. I simply needed to let it out. Something in my brain just told me it was time to let everything out… and I don’t own a punching bag at this time so, the tears just started to fall.

These tears were all the emotions that had been caught in my throat but didn’t come out. It was the frustrations that built over time, those moments where my eyes glossed over as if tears were going to fall but they didn’t. It was the moments of anger and sadness I had stacked on top of each other. It was the loss of a friend, the fear for a family member, the constant reminder that the future, is completely outside of our control.

Tragedies, one after another, constantly in your face no matter where you look. The feeling of helplessness mixed with a complete lack of understanding of the emotions you are feeling. Quicker to anger than you mean to be, and therefore hurting those you love with a sharper than intended response. Lower energy, as the “to do” list continues to pile up and you convince yourself that when the gyms open you will get back in shape, but who really knows when that will be. The feeling of being trapped in a “twilight zone” where you are just “killing time” with no real purpose or plan. Spinning in circles, no real path.

I spent so much time, pushing myself forward, constantly striving to improve one way or another, that I forgot what it felt like to focus on things closer to home or even in my own mind. I was always pushing to the next step, the next moment, that really, I hadn’t stopped to check in with me. I hadn’t taken those moments to grieve what I needed to grieve or even process huge life changes that had taken place. It was simply about pushing down those doubts and emotions and moving on to the next step. Good or bad, the dialogue in my mind had become so disconnected with my body that my brain could be screaming at me to slow down, but my body would do the opposite. I had burned myself out before and instead of really giving myself a moment to understand what had caused it, I started focusing on moving forward from it once I realized what it was.

I find myself upset, with myself, with the world, with my lack of control over my future right now, but then even more upset that I can’t just enjoy the time I have. I end up at a war with myself, appreciating the time I have but, still trying to plan for an unpredictable future.

I know I am not the only one who has escaped even just for a moment, whether it’s to finally let those tears fall or to just be alone. We were never taught how to handle this. This wasn’t something we learned in school, nor is it something that could ever be prepared for. Each situation is so unique that it would be impossible to tell someone the best way to get through this.

My tears fell, for no specific reason but for so many reasons. It didn’t magically make everything okay by just letting it out, but it made my chest feel just a little lighter. It helped me to take a deep breath in, hold my head up, and realize that I’m going to be okay.