A Love Letter for Today

I can say that I know it's been tough,

Or that I know you're past the point of breaking,

Or that every day gets more rough,

Or point out your smile you're faking,

I could say things will get better,

A brighter day will come,

That life as we know it,

Will return to normal when it's done,

But what good would that do?

I don't walk in your shoes,

I don't know the thoughts in your mind,

Or the challenges each day finds,

I don't know if it's money,

Health,

Sanity,

Or Fear

That makes you long for a much better year,

Or maybe there is more,

That I can't even fathom,

A loneliness, a broken heart,

The list goes on I imagine,

But I can say one thing,

No matter how low you may sink,

Take a look in the mirror,

You're doing better than you think,

Take a moment and breath in deep,

Pull the air into your lungs and count to three,

Now close your eyes and let the air escape,

It's time to untie the superhero cape,

If youre home feeling scared of what the future may hold,

Or mourning the loss of a business you sold,

If you don't feel anything, as if your heart has gone numb,

Or all you want to do is hide away and run

It's okay.

To those scared everyday your workplace may call,

Deemed "Essential" but seeing a notice on the wall,

Telling you the number of co-workers infected, all

Friends of yours, people you know,

Until you finally refuse a shift,

You just can't go,

You stop caring what the consequence may be,

Rather be at home, but youre far from free,

It's okay

If you find yourself tired of cooking for just one,

And all you miss is the bars, simple fun,

If you find that the only comfort comes,

From video chats with friends,

A few extra drinks,

And discussions of when this ends,

It's okay

If youre alone and away from the ones that you love,

And every single day gets a little more rough,

You find yourself angry waiting in line,

But keep repeating is going to be fine,

It's okay

If the everyday routine is slowly driving you crazy,

The days turn to nights and the difference is hazy,

You wake up without a clue, what to do today,

But the hours keep passing, while you stay,

In the same place, with no where to go,

The little joys of life you no longer know,

If you find yourself wishing for simpler times,

You find yourself crying with no reason why,

In time,

You will find

It's okay.

If you find you don't want to go back,

To the time before,

Happy to have time and reconnect with all those you hold dear,

If you find yourself appreciating the extra time to breath,

But then catch yourself on that thought and feel guilty,

Because you know you will,

How could you let yourself be happy as the world stands still?

It's okay

To The nurses, The drivers, the grocery store clerks,

The medics, The police, those in social care work,

The fire fighters, dispatchers answering emergency phones,

Those working each day at retirement homes,

All scared to bring anything home,

Many of us will never understand, the pressure you feel,

The questions each day, the time your hearts don't have to heal,

The days that you dread going in each day,

When every survival instinct says to stay away,

If you feel hollow, or broken, or like nothing is right,

The nightmares during the day are worse than those at night,

If the weight in your chest and the dread in your heart,

Feels like everything has begun to rip you apart,.

All I can say, is open your eyes, 

Put two feet on the ground,

Feel the surface below you,

This world needs you around.

Take it day by day, Minute by minute,

This world is better with you in it,

Take a moment to love yourself for,

Everything you have survived and so much more,

Whether it's in,

Pjs,

Sweats,

Or full makeup done,

If your hiding at home,

Or doing a grocery run,

It's okay if you don't come out of this with a new "side hustle"

Or if today simply showering was all you could muscle.

It's okay to feel lost, helpless or maybe even fine,

It's okay to be happy simply having extra time,

There is no rule book,

No lessons we took,

That would ever prepare us for this everyday fight,

Just know, what you're doing, you're doing it right

Feel the way you need to feel,

Because no matter what,

That's what's real

It's okay

You're okay

We are okay

Just take it day by day.

No Way Back

It was a different celebration this year for everyone. It meant so much for so many yet, unlike years before, the rules were different. Those who followed the rules stuck to virtual calls and at home celebrations, those who bent the rules slightly may have done a small gathering with trusted people and of course, we all know, there will be stories of those who shattered the rules completely and had large festivities as if it was any other year.

The superstition or belief that due to the change in a digit means a "new you" or a "new world" is actually a little crazy but, I get it. To have a set sign off to end a terrible year would be great. To truly believe that with the countdown to 0 all the negative and trying events of the year prior just fade away and disappear must be liberating. It provides hope. A chance that maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. 

Last night as I finally lay down to sleep after a small new years celebration, maybe it was the slightly larger than normal amount of alcohol consumed, maybe it was the virtual chats, maybe it was simply just a lack of sleep but, I felt my mind drifting to Groundhog Day and imagining if I woke up in the morning and instead of it being a new year, I actually woke up to January 1, 2020 to redo the whole year. My brain was flooded with how things have changed throughout the year and made me question if I had a redo, would I do anything different. Last year, on January 1, I was living in an apartment I had lived in for almost eight years, a city I had lived in for almost 14 years, I was driving to Pearson every morning for in class training for Air Traffic Control, and I was blissfully ignorant to what the year held. Since then, I graduated in class and was assigned to a different city for on the job training. I gave up my cozy, safe apartment, moved into a hotel and began the adventure. During the summer, I was placed on admin leave and moved out of the hotel into my parents. I spent a few months there, still ignorant to what was to come, and found an apartment in my new city. I moved in, and with a lot of help, painted the new apartment and made it feel like home. I finally settled and was eager to get back to work when that one call came. Training programs were cut, I was laid off. 

I remember the anger that ran through me, the fear and frustration, the panic.. thank god I got to the mute button before select words came out of my mouth, but once I processed I realized there really hadn't been a choice for the company. I realized I was still better off than I could have been and luckily, had only taken over a lease so wasn't fully locked in, was able to move out, put my stuff in storage and move in with, yes, at 31, my parents again. I settled back in and quickly got to work on applying for jobs and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It became clear that I had no idea anymore. Since January 1, 2020, I have lost friends, made new ones, moved multiple times, my car has been hit AGAIN (different story, never buy a red car), had time to get to know my parents again, felt totally lost and felt overwhelmed with choice. I have said goodbye to a life that was comfortable and safe and have thrown myself into a world of unpredictability without realized my choices would lead there. 

And here, lies the question, if I had a do over, knowing what I do know, would I do it all again? Would I still pursue the ATC career? Would I move? Would I wait around while on admin leave or start job hunting instead? Would I move into an apartment that I would be giving up in a few months? Different choices may have led to a much different life for this year but, ultimately, is different better? 

As I lay there, wondering if I had drank enough water to ensure I felt fine the next day, I found myself running a review of the year and the choices I made. As much as I would love to say that with a redo, I would have a better idea where my future would go, I wouldn't. As much as I would love to tell myself that with a redo, I would make different choices to keep on a steady path, I probably wouldn't.

I will never fully be able to comprehend the weight 2020 has created on people. I will never be able to understand the lasting effect covid has on the patients, the families, front line workers and everyone else. I know there are horrors from this year that many would much rather forget but I also know there were still glimmers of something good. The realization of who "essential workers" are and how low their compensation is. The time to slow down and spend time with family. An opportunity to get reacquainted with loved ones and get to know who they are now. A chance to see the shaky foundation so many economies and budgets have been built on simply in survival mode. This year gave people a different view and while yes, it has been devestating for many and has shown faults and failures in many systems, it was still a "new year" from the year prior. 

So really, with a redo, my choices would very much still look the same. Without those choices, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself, I wouldn't have overcome some of my most difficult challenges, I wouldn't have had a chance to build the friendships and relationships I have and, I most definitely, would not have taken the time to evaluate what really makes me happy and start to make decisions around that. So maybe a few altercations on a couple small choices but ultimately, even with everything 2020 has been a year for the books and I am ready to run full force into 2021 with everything I have learned. 

It may be a new year, but it isn't a new me. I am me and that won't change simply with one digit rotating into a new one. I love who I am becoming even at my age, and that, I won't change.

Please, with all the negativity, the loss and the struggle from 2020, take a moment and ask yourself if you really would do something different and what would you be sacrificing if you did. Take time to review your choices and the changes and please, take time to trust yourself and simply, believe in yourself.

Cheers to a new year! Bring on 2021.

Thank You

It was an anger that had been festering in my chest over months. An anger that grew with every disappointment, every foolish protest, every article, every new covid count release. It was a vice that wrapped tighter and tighter making me more resentful towards the world. It made me see the worst in everyone. Their little habits that drove me nuts. People's inability to hold a door or even their lack of thanks when you held a door for them. Thankfully I was wearing a mask in public so no one could actually see that my smile had been replaced with a scowl. 

I was focusing on the lost. Like many others, I had lost someone to covid, lost someone else to cancer, lost my job (and with it, I felt, my future), I had lost my life I gave up for the job that I lost, the list just kept going. I let bitterness slide into my mind and then most recently, my move that erupted into chaos with every new development. From simple UHaul mess ups over and over to issues with property management, people not keeping their word, and even lack of judgement on how big my four door sedan is, I was spiraling into a state where all I could see was bad. I hated it, I could see I was doing it but couldn't stop and then what is worse, I hated myself for getting to that point. 

It all came to a crashing halt yesterday, almost literally. I was stressed, nothing had gone the way it was supposed to but somehow things had worked out enough to get through. I had my car fully loaded with what was left of my stuff that hadn't fit into the UHaul and hadn't been stored with an amazing friend I made while living where I was. My puppy was in the backseat and I was making my way to my parents. It was snowy and I hadn't gotten my snow tires on yet since I had just recently gotten my car back from the shop after being side swiped. I was driving at about 50 km/hr on an 80 km/hr road (yes I was being one of those people) and just as I got over the peak of a hill and started to go downhill, I saw a car ahead start to skid out of control. I hit my brakes and quickly realized there was no traction. I tried every trick I knew, even streering into the skid but as if in slow motion, my car slid a full 360 and slid down into the ditch softly stopping without hitting anything. My car was stuck. I was stuck. 

I looked over and saw someone walking towards my car. This man waved to a pickup truck driver who also stopped. Without a single hesitation, both checked to make sure I was okay, said hi to my pup and proceeded to work on hooking up my car to the pickup to pull out. It was across two active lanes so we had to wait for a gap, which seemed to never come, but they patiently waited. Once we got one the truck driver backed up while the other man hooked my car up to get it out as quick as possible. A quick tug and my car was free. I pulled over after to thank them and try to find anything in my car to give them as thanks but was told not to worry and just to drive safe. 

As I pulled away I felt tears in my eyes. Not because I was sad, not because I was scared but because instantly all of the things I have to be grateful for came flooding into my mind. The things I had failed to see. The fact that yes, I lost my job but not the experience. The fact that my amazing parents and family have been there for me every step of the way. The fact that I have friends who showed up for me to help when there really was nothing in it for them and they did it without question. The fact that I have someone in my life willing to give up days, weeks, just to help me and be there for me, asking nothing in return. The fact that even just living somewhere for a short period of time I came to know an incredible woman who helped me move without hesitation and even let me store things at her place while I figured stuff out. The fact that complete strangers had stopped in a snowstorm and the freezing cold to pull me out without asking for anything. 

Days still feel heavy, stress still is there but, to those complete strangers, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity and helping me see a much brighter side to this world. 

What Can We Do?

I cried today. Not for a specific reason, and yet for so many reasons. It wasn’t the type of tears that fall begging for someone to hold me, it wasn’t the tears I’ve cried at funerals mourning the loss of a loved one, it wasn’t like tears I had ever cried before.

I wasn’t trying to hide from anyone to seem brave or to pretend I was okay, they were simply my tears and, mine alone. As silly and as odd as it sounded, I simply wanted to cry, uninterrupted without the burden of trying to explain why. I didn’t need a hug, or someone to tell me they were there for me, I know they are. I didn’t need a reminder that I wasn’t alone, I know I’m not. I simply needed to let it out. Something in my brain just told me it was time to let everything out… and I don’t own a punching bag at this time so, the tears just started to fall.

These tears were all the emotions that had been caught in my throat but didn’t come out. It was the frustrations that built over time, those moments where my eyes glossed over as if tears were going to fall but they didn’t. It was the moments of anger and sadness I had stacked on top of each other. It was the loss of a friend, the fear for a family member, the constant reminder that the future, is completely outside of our control.

Tragedies, one after another, constantly in your face no matter where you look. The feeling of helplessness mixed with a complete lack of understanding of the emotions you are feeling. Quicker to anger than you mean to be, and therefore hurting those you love with a sharper than intended response. Lower energy, as the “to do” list continues to pile up and you convince yourself that when the gyms open you will get back in shape, but who really knows when that will be. The feeling of being trapped in a “twilight zone” where you are just “killing time” with no real purpose or plan. Spinning in circles, no real path.

I spent so much time, pushing myself forward, constantly striving to improve one way or another, that I forgot what it felt like to focus on things closer to home or even in my own mind. I was always pushing to the next step, the next moment, that really, I hadn’t stopped to check in with me. I hadn’t taken those moments to grieve what I needed to grieve or even process huge life changes that had taken place. It was simply about pushing down those doubts and emotions and moving on to the next step. Good or bad, the dialogue in my mind had become so disconnected with my body that my brain could be screaming at me to slow down, but my body would do the opposite. I had burned myself out before and instead of really giving myself a moment to understand what had caused it, I started focusing on moving forward from it once I realized what it was.

I find myself upset, with myself, with the world, with my lack of control over my future right now, but then even more upset that I can’t just enjoy the time I have. I end up at a war with myself, appreciating the time I have but, still trying to plan for an unpredictable future.

I know I am not the only one who has escaped even just for a moment, whether it’s to finally let those tears fall or to just be alone. We were never taught how to handle this. This wasn’t something we learned in school, nor is it something that could ever be prepared for. Each situation is so unique that it would be impossible to tell someone the best way to get through this.

My tears fell, for no specific reason but for so many reasons. It didn’t magically make everything okay by just letting it out, but it made my chest feel just a little lighter. It helped me to take a deep breath in, hold my head up, and realize that I’m going to be okay.

You've Got a Friend in Me

It's amazing how priorities change. Something that seemed so important and significant a month ago, doesn't even hit the radar anymore. One little event or person that caused you to lose sleep this same day last year, is a distant memory today that doesn't even cause a blip in your pulse if it crosses your mind. The people you swore were your "bff" and imagined hanging out together old and wrinkly, are simply another name on your Instagram feed that pops up once in a while. 

I've noticed that as I get older, I don't want the same people in my life that I used to. No longer do I crave those people that laugh at my jokes and boost my ego. No longer do I care if the person I'm with likes the same music that I do or cheers for the same sports team. Those people that used to always be down for a drink no matter the time or day, or the ones that always wanted to go out now are no where to be found when real life events hit. Don't get me wrong, those friendships were still real, just different. They were based around an environment that just couldn't last. 

Instead of craving someone to tell me that my new hair colour looks great, I crave someone who instead, will ask me how my new job is going and actually listen to my response. Instead of getting excited when a friend messages me to go out to the bar for a drink, I smile when my friend asks me to go for a walk, for dinner or even just if it's a good time to call. Instead of hoping that someone will agree with me about everything because my fragile inexperienced ego can't take a disagreement, I look to hear a different perspective from my friends who aren't afraid to disagree with me. Instead of telling me everything is okay because I'm nervous about moving, they send me a list of things to do in the new city and tell me they can't wait to do those things with me when they visit. Instead of looking to date a man who just wants to make me happy, I look for someone who knows how to make himself happy and isn't afraid of sadness.

Yes, I know some of my friends are laughing at this right now and are ready to tell me I'm getting old, and that's why I love you. It's weird, it feels like it almost happened overnight but I know it didn't. It feels like all of a sudden, I looked around and I wanted different things, from people, from my life, from everything. Don't get me wrong, I still love the late nights with a few drinks and the nights we end on the dance floor as the lights come on, but that's no longer the solid connections. 

My friends now are the ones who know how to tell me I'm being crazy or dramatic when I am, and aren't afraid that I might get annoyed. My friends are the ones who, even in the hardest times, tell me the truth, knowing that even if it upsets me in that time, our bond is stronger than that and I will get over it and be grateful for the truth. My friends are the ones that know they can say "not today" or even "too tired" and get that I will understand. My friends are the ones that understand "life happens" and know I understand the same. 

It's a lesson I wish I learned a little earlier but I am happy I am slowly learning now. The value of real, honest and opinionated people is impossible to quantify but I know I am lucky enough to have quite a few people like that in my life. 

The one lesson I wish I had learned sooner: Don't be afraid of disagreement, don't be afraid to have a different opinion and express it and don't be afraid if someone does the same to you. Respect those people, they are the ones you want in your life.

Hold on Loosely

Take a handful of playdoh and roll it up into a perfect ball. Place the playdoh in your hand with your palm facing upward and slight cupped. If you tilt your hand side to side, the playdoh will roll back and fourth and ultimately fall out of the cup back to the table.

Now, place the playdoh back in your hand and fold your hand over fully without pressing into the ball. You can tilt your hand back and fourth, even shake your hand. The ball will roll around inside your hand, maybe even shift it's shape slightly but, will remain within your hand.

Next, grip as tightly as you can into the playdoh. Try to keep it in that ball form and do not allow any to escape through the cracks of your fingers but, squeeze as hard as you can. The ball will quickly be destroyed and, no matter how hard you fight, the playdoh will begin to escape through your fingers.

Consider this ball your relationships, your friendships, even your goals. The harder and tighter you hold onto someone or an idea, the more you destroy the initial thing you were holding onto. The tighter you hold onto how something "should be" or how someone "should act" the more you will have to fight with things going "wrong".

On the other side...no effort at all, and you lose everything.

It's an almost impossible balance to obtain. Somehow, you have to keep the goal in mind, or show the person affection, let it shift and move around, without grasping too tightly or letting go (I seem to remember a song about this...).

The point is, the harder we try to fight to keep things exactly the same and in the same place, the more we are at risk of destroying it completely. 

Things change, people change, goals change.

Running on Empty

Today was hard and I didn’t know why. The weather was overcast and colder than it should be, but that shouldn’t matter. Work is slowing down which can put a strain on finances, but at least I have a job. I’m stressing about an upcoming recruitment test, but at least I have the opportunity. The pain from whiplash I received after my car was rear ended is tiresome, but it could have been a lot worse. I haven’t been able to go to the gym or be as active as I would like, but at least my physio will be covered. I put on a few extra pounds over the past month, making me pull at my clothing and try on a few extra outfits before I go out, but I am still in better shape than I was two years ago.

I should be grateful for those amazing people I have in my life, and I am. I should be thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my fridge, and I am.  I should just be happy and enjoy my life, but today I can’t.

For some reason, something just feels off. Everything takes a little extra effort. I’m irritable and snapping on those people that are just trying to help. I’m tired and lack the normal motivation I carry. I’m worried about what I’m going to wear for an interview even though I still have days to plan. My chest feels tight and my mind won’t focus. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be grateful?

I get angry with myself when I feel this way. I have never been diagnosed with depression, nor do I think I need to be. These days are few and far in between. I have people I can talk to but, I don’t know how to explain what is going through my head.

The day to day stress, the added up toll each event has taken on me and the overall demands that come simply from being an adult have become almost too much. I say almost because I still got up in the morning. I still put my feet on the floor as much as I didn’t want to, and I still dragged myself outside to make sure my dog got outside. The fresh air woke me up a little and gave me hope that this feeling would lift but it didn’t. Just another reason to be disappointed in myself.

I got dressed and got to work. I found small, easy tasks to keep me busy and just did them at my own pace. I kept reminding myself just to be grateful for the job. Each task felt mindless, and worse, meaningless but, with each task complete, at least I did something. I started looking through my calendar to see what I could plan to help lift this and realized I don’t have a day off for the next two weeks…. Oh goody. That’s okay, at least I have a job.

It wasn’t until I stopped for lunch that I realized what this was, I am burnt out. Plain and simple. I am tired from the physical pain in my neck and shoulders, I am tired of feeling like no matter how hard I work it will never be enough and ultimately, I am just tired. Now what?

Now, it’s time to stop being mad with myself. It’s time to stop being disappointed in myself for feeling this way and just accept that this is a hard day. It’s time to give myself permission to feel like this and, to do what I must so that I feel better. The more I fight this the worse it gets. The more I blame myself and call myself “selfish” or “spoiled”, the more I start to believe it and the worse I will feel.

I am not writing this for pity, I am writing this because I know EVERYONE has felt this way one time or another. Sure, there are reasons I can blame but, when push comes to shove, the reason is simple, I am burnt out just like so many of you. It’s hard sometimes to pin point it. You just start to feel tired, start to count the days until a day off, start to feel the weight on your chest… slowly over time. Before you know it, your energy is at zero and all you want to do is go to the nearest international airport and hop on a plane to some tropical island where the sun is shining, the water is clear and you have a delicious drink in your hand without a care in the world.

So how am I going to cope today? I am going to start planning that trip. Maybe it won’t be for another couple months or maybe not for a year but, it will happen, and I am going to start taking small little steps to get to it. Much like today at work, those small mindless, meaningless tasks may feel like nothing but, they add up to complete an entire shift. Then before you know it, it’s home time.

All that cheesy stuff of “eat right”, “get exercise”, “take time to appreciate the little things”… all great advice but not realistic right now. Sure, I can pick to snack on carrots instead of chips (that’s easy) and, I can go for a walk with my dog (not the same feeling as an actual workout but it’s something) and, I can appreciate so much in my life but, how will that help now? Nothing is going to immediately help so, for now, it’s time to just acknowledge that I am allowed to feel this way, it will pass and I can do small things to push that along.

Today may have been hard, tomorrow may be harder, but at least now I can accept that and let myself feel that way. At least now, I know what I have to do and can stop beating myself up for something I can’t control.