RIP My Sweet Sweet Zippo

In the blink of an eye, you became my baby. My sweet, sweet angel. My best friend. 

I say I remember the day I met you, the sweet little wiggly munchkin that worked your way directly into my heart and never let go but that has to be a lie. I don't remember what it felt like not to have you in my life. Not to love you with all of my heart. 

I say I remember the moment I knew, you were meant to come home with me, but how could I possibly when I look at your face and it feels like you've always been my best friend?

In the blink of an eye I went from wondering if I was in a place in my life to have a dog to wondering how I lived without you.

In the blink of an eye I went from being scared that I didn't know what I was doing, that I didn't know how to train a dog or provide for you to feeling more secure than I ever have in anything I have done.

Before I knew it, you became my security when I felt insecure, my best friend when I felt lonely, my reason to laugh when I felt down, my reason to keep getting up every morning when I felt worn out, my reason to exercise when I felt lazy, my reason to sit and relax when I felt overwhelmed.

Without warning, days I would have stayed working too late for a company that didn't value me became days where I would rush home instead to see your sweet face waiting for me with your excited wiggle you would do. 

In no time at all, I became confident in spending time at home with my own thoughts because you would be sitting next to me. I began to build a home for myself wherever we lived because you deserved that, and I learned, so did I. 

I began to look forward to days where I had nothing scheduled and stopped feeling the need to book every hour of everyday. Instead I cherished the moment to just sit on the balcony with you and relax. 

I rediscovered a love for things I had forgotten because of you. Long walks just because, camping, exploring new places, photography, running... And so much more.

In the blink of an eye my life changed for the better for so many more reasons than I could have ever imagined, all because of you. 

Because of you, I have some of my closest friends, healthy coping mechanisms and have gotten through some of the roughest times in my life with a smile on my face.

There are no words, no matter how hard I try that can describe how much your love and life has meant to me, nor are there words to truly express the gratitude I feel for having you in my life. You will forever be in my heart and will forever remind me of what I am capable of.

Rest easy my sweet angel Zippo. Forever loved by so many.

P.S. I will keep your stick collection for other dogs to come by and play :)

The Hardest Part of Loving Someone

 Have you ever felt the pain of loss? Of course you have, one way or another. Whether it is the loss of a career you gave more to than you should have, the loss of an ability due to an injury or the curse of aging (permanent or temporary), the loss of an ideal you once held strongly too and fought for but realized later in life to be wrong or, ultimately, the loss of a loved one. All hurt in a unique and gut wrenching way that leave you reeling. Leave you looking for a way to process, to cope, to get through each day, to move forward.

A loss leaves people asking questions, demanding answers that will never come. It leaves you to coast in your own head. Leaves you to work through your thoughts no matter the words of comfort offered by others. Deep down, you need to let yourself feel whatever it is your feel despite outside pressures. This is hard, at least if you're like me. Everyone else tries so hard to "cheer you up" and comfort you. Sure, it works sometimes but, it is always temporary and prolonging the inevitable. You can smile, even enjoy yourself for a while but, once you get back to your own thoughts, it's back to grieving. Back to the process.

You can choose to continue distracting yourself with people, work, or even alcohol or drugs, but you always end up back with those thoughts. Your process and, your process alone. With that thought in mind, have you ever stood by someone you love as the grieve a loss? Especially the loss of a loved one, you feel it yourself, in your own way. You feel the grief but, somehow realize these emotions are not primary in that situation. You feel the loss, but know that isn't the priority. You want to do anything in your power to help them, make them smile. Their sadness makes you sad so maybe partially, it's selfish...but not really. You just don't want them to hurt. You want to laugh with them, comfort them, somehow show them there are better days ahead even if, deep down, you know they just need time.

This is, as I have learned, one of the hardest parts of loving and caring for someone. Whether it is a friend, a partner, a parent, a child, anyone you love, when they are sad, you feel it. Combined with empathy, guilt, frustration, helplessness... you are at a loss. When they hurt, you want to take away the pain but can't. When you love someone, you have to put aside your wants and needs and just let them grieve. You have to let them go through THEIR process in THEIR time. Sure, you can be there for comfort when they are willing, or guidance when they need it, but... accept it... you are powerless. Which hurts, it SUCKS!

The hardest part of loving someone really can be to let them feel sad and just be there when called on. 

What's Wrong with being CONFIDENT?

Something wonderful and amazing happened today. Of course then followed by something not so wonderful… but still. It was something strange yet familiar. I looked in the mirror this morning and, guess what? I liked what I saw. Plain and Simple. No makeup on, not sucking in my stomach, not flexing, hair not done… just me.

As I mentioned, that thought was then followed by a thousand questions of self doubt, something quite familiar. The thoughts of “does this make me full of myself?” and a quick thought of all the flaws. BUT, let’s focus on the initial thought first.

I just finished my run and was going to start getting cleaned up and ready for work. I was covered in sweat, red faced, rocking frizzy hair (thank you humidity) and yet, I looked in the mirror and smiled. I genuinely liked what I saw. I could see the progress I have made in muscle definition from running and working out. I finally stopped killing my hair with straightening tools and products allowing it to actually grow. I have been doing my best to work on my posture, not only for my health but also to project confidence. Most importantly, I saw the things I had no control over and liked those things too. I realized I like the dark colour of my eyes and hair. I like my smile and even that frizzy hair. I liked the way my forehead scrunched up as I studied myself further. I like that I have never met someone who looks just like me.

Above everything, I like the person I am becoming. The person who isn’t afraid to share my writing, as cheesy as it can be. Someone who loves her friends and family with everything I have. Someone who is passionate and strong. Someone working to be more open minded and understanding, slower to anger and judge and quicker to offer encouragement and compliments. I like that I am someone who is working to embrace change and adventure, seek out new challenges, not be afraid to look “foolish” or “uncool” (and yes, even in my 30s this can be a struggle). 

All of these thoughts occurred in UNDER A MINUTE.

Less than a minute of positive thoughts before, without warning, the self-doubt and critical voice started to grow. 

The first thought was to laugh at myself with a voice saying “wow, aren’t you full of yourself?” The words conceding and self-absorbed came to mind. And even though I hadn’t even thought about these things before, reasons for why I shouldn’t have been so “full of myself” came forward. My mind immediately pointed out that my body is not the “ideal” model type. That I have grey hairs coming in already and that my skin breaks out if I even think about sugar. It started saying that my hair is too thin and that I don’t dress stylish enough. Lord knows I have zero idea on how to apply makeup the way many seem to, and don’t even ask me about contouring.

What’s worse, is that after thinking these things, I accepted them as the conclusion, shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day. Not in a bad mood or anything, just with acceptance and then pushing it to the back of my mind. I had things to do, and this was normal.

Wait… WHAT? Why? Why did I just accept this inner voice? This voice telling me things meaner than anything I would ever let anyone else tell me. Why did I let my mind settle on the negative and accept it? Since when is being confident the same as being full of myself and why is that so triggering for negative thoughts? Why do I let these thoughts overshadow the initial confidence I felt?

If I really think about it, the initial confident thoughts were genuine, unprovoked impressions. They naturally came to me, without influence or suggestion. The rest, well that was taught. Taught by movies, media, people around me, song lyrics and so much more. Just think how many songs glorify that she “doesn’t know how beautiful she is” or “she is unaware of her potential”.... Hold up! Maybe I do? Maybe I know I am pretty damn awesome. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t need someone to tell me this and maybe, that doesn’t take away from it at all. What a concept!

Ultimately, and in a rambling way, my point is, STOP QUESTIONING THESE POSITIVE THOUGHTS! Stop just believing and accepting the negative ones. You are allowed to be confident, both men and women. You are allowed to be proud and aware of your strengths.

As always, thank you for reading another rant of mine :)

We Need to do Better

We need to do better,

Better for our friends, for our families, for those around us and far away,

Better for the future,

Better for today,

Better for ourselves.

It's so easy to shutdown and so easy to judge,

Easy to blame others or specific situations for the outcome,

Easy to label one person for life by one action or one bad day,

So easy to build walls, make excuses, and accept your own thoughts as the ultimate truth.

It's easier to write someone off as rude, stupid, needy, ignorant or even "not worth the time" than it is to question why.

We question scientists, doctors, vets, nutritionists, government officials, established laws,

But not ourselves and our beliefs, not nearly enough.

We want to be unique thinkers, god forbid we are ever labelled as sheep, but, how often do we really stop and question our own beliefs and opinions? And I mean REALLY question them.

Questions where these beliefs stem from and are they still accurate or applicable?

Question the proof and the resources that provide that proof.

Question the reasoning behind the beliefs, the purpose of these beliefs.

Was this opinion developed to shelter or protect you from something that scares you more?

Was this an inherited belief from friends or family over time?

Was this a judgment based on little reasoning and driven by emotion at the time, only solidified by repeating it over and over?

Was this just an attempt not to be a sheep?

We need to do better,

Better by questioning our own opinions.

Better by allowing our beliefs to change.

Better by not being afraid to be wrong and learn from it.

Better through acceptance, warmth and compassion.

It is difficult, especially to start, to take those extra moments to question a quick judgment. Even more difficult to accept that it could be wrong.

I've lost track of how many times I have judged someone as cold or "stuck up" on one interaction. Wrote them off as such only to be proven wrong down the road. Only to learn that they were actually just very shy or, even worse, perceived me as cold and stuck up.

WE need to do better.

Better by acting with kindness.

Better by listening with not just an open mind but with interest and compassion.

By celebrating the little victories of others.

Better by reminding those around you that they matter, that they are worth that extra minute.

Better by showing appreciation to others.

Better by being kind.

When did compassion become lame or a sign of weakness?

When did it become obsolete to follow up with a thank you note?

Who still has a guest book to celebrate visitors and help you to remember those that took the time out of their day to visit?

When did being gullible or too nice become worse than being rude or cold?

What world are we building and developing that puts so much value on:

Making it Alone

Overworking

Burning Out

Never Trusting Others

Building Walls

Yet so little value on the impact compassion and kindness can have?

We need to do better,

Better by living in the moment and appreciating what everyone has to offer.

Better for those that have already sacrificed so much for our lives and the world today.

Better for those who will grow and learn in this world.

Better for those who have suffered so much at the hands of hate, racism, prejudice, unfair social and legal systems and so much more.

Better for those who are just trying to get through each day.

We may not have built this world, we may not be responsible for the damage in the past, but this is our world now. We are responsible now.

You don't have to do it all but why can't we just start with compassion and kindness?

For those around and for yourself.

Question a snap judgment.

Offer a compliment instead of an insult.

Don't be so quick to argue or excited to prove someone wrong for something that doesn't matter. Save your fight for the causes that matter.

Start by not typing that rude remark on Social Media.

Start by accepting that everyone has their battles.

Celebrate the little victories for yourself and others.

Appreciate the beauty of the world and work to build it.

We need to do better.

Better for those that deserve better.

Better for those you love, and those you barely know.

Better for yourself.

Better for your future. 

7 Lessons According to Memes

 It's so easy to look back and see a few things you would have done differently. Maybe there is a specific situation you would have handled differently, a job you might have pursued sooner, a different course in school or maybe a friendship that you let drift away. Ultimately, you know that there is no point in wishing you did something different and, personally, I know deep down that if I hadn't gone through what I did, I wouldn't be who I am and, if I do say so myself, I'm kind of awesome. There are a few lessons that in these last few years have become more and more important to me that I do wish I had learned a little sooner. Some I was taught as a kid, others I was told as a kid but didn't quite listen and others, I learned later than I would like to admit.

1) Your Job Position will be Posted Before Your Obituary

    Maybe not in these exact words but, this is something my parents tried to stress to me over and over again. I like to keep busy and any job I have, I will give it my all. Unfortunately, some places take advantage of that. I have worked 16 hour days on "salary" (translation, I only got paid for 8 hours of the 16 BUT if I called in sick or took vacation, that "salary" didn't kick in) and did it with a smile. I was on call 24/7 with phone close by, no matter the holiday, time of day or plans. I let myself burn out, become sleep deprived, stopped working out and yet still did it with a smile on my face (most of the time). I helped others with their jobs, taking no credit, and fought for my coworkers and those that reported to me. I did it with pride and truly believed that when push came to shove, my workplace would be there for me. Boy was I wrong! Without sounding too angry, there was a small matter of a complaint I filed, an opinion I expressed and before I knew it, I was walked out. All anger aside, I certainly learned that no matter the job, I will never sacrifice my health or well-being for a job again. I will always be a hard worker, that will never change, and even still, I will probably give more than 100% but, I will also remind myself to clock out and not let them walk all over me. After being "let go", I took some time for myself and went back to jobs I loved and from there, I have had the incredible opportunity to start pursuing something new. Whether I like to admit it or not, they did me a favour. I would have given this job my whole life through and through and, only took time to realize what I was sacrificing when I had time to consider myself.

    My parents always told me that they worried I was working too many hours and wasn't taking time for me. I used to brush them off thinking that they didn't understand the pressure of trying to afford rent on a single income. Or even worse, I just figured they didn't realize that my employer actually "cared" about me and wasn't like all those other employers. I would never let that happen to myself right? WRONG! It took me into my late 20s to learn this and, I still struggle but, at least now I have boundaries that I set. 

2) From CEO to Entry Level Roles, Treat Everyone with Respect

    This is one I learned early. Both my Mom and Dad stressed that no matter who someone is, treat them with respect and care. The janitor deserves a "good morning" and a friendly conversation just as much as the CEO. If you can help someone, help them. Not because they may be able to help you later on but, because it is the right thing to do. Don't get me wrong, I did see personal (selfish) benefits through this, potentially an early laptop upgrade because I was nice to the IT guy, an extra resource or assistance because I was nice to Security, little things like that. Doesn't mean I did it for those reasons but it did show me that you never know what you may need one day. 

    Don't get me wrong, I am no saint. I am sure there have been a few customer care representatives that I could have been a little nicer to *cough* telephone companies *cough* but I do still try to live by this. I work hard to learn from these experiences and keep reminding myself that the person on the other line has probably dealt with nightmare after nightmare and ultimately, I do believe karma is a thing.

3) We are Not all in the Same Boat, We are in the Same Storm, With Different Resources

    I now know that I am beyond lucky to have been born into a loving family. My parents both worked hard and my sister and I never had to worry where our next meal was coming from or if the heat would be on in the winter. We were able to participate in sports and activities, had a static residential address growing up, had a mother home with us when we were young and enjoyed traveling as a family. My parents both emphasized the value of money and did tell my sister and I that not everyone was as fortunate but, I don't think I fully grasped this concept for a little while. I ignorantly assumed that everyone at least had the bare minimum. Somehow in my childish mind, I believed that Canada was a country that wouldn't let children starve or struggle.

    I remember in grade school, a friend of mine was always struggling to get her homework done. Naive and ignorant me was so confused why she didn't just go home, do her homework right away and save herself the trouble of being hassled in class. I remember thinking that she was "lazy" or "careless" and, even worse, I remember rolling my eyes when she said she had been helping her brothers with their homework and had to make dinner. My brain couldn't possibly comprehend that her parents weren't making dinner or helping. It wasn't until we were working on a project together (probably a year later) that I realized her father was not in the picture, her mom worked three jobs just to keep a roof over their heads and therefore, even at the age of 11, she was caring for her three younger brothers and making sure that they had something to eat that night and for lunch the next day plus, helping them with their homework to ensure they didn't fall behind. It was a harsh dose of reality for me that I had been unfairly judgmental and hard on her. I had been so convinced that the way I lived was the opportunity that everyone else had, I had completely missed the lessons my parents had tried to teach me. I had to take a step back and realize how ignorant I was and have tried to hold that lesson close to me my whole life.

    Not everyone has the same resources, abilities or support as others, plain and simple.

4) People do not See Things or Think the Same as You 

    This was a hard one for me to learn that I still struggle with. The words "keep it simple stupid" come to mind as my first real exposure to this. I had to write a "process document" for a class teaching people how to hook up a speaker. The way I wrote it made perfect sense and when it came time for "testing", another classmate was expected to use the instructions and set the speaker up. I proudly handed over my five page, step by step document and was almost offended when I realized how much my classmate struggled. I took this personally. I couldn't understand how someone couldn't understand the "oh so clear" instructions that I had written. Then I started to notice that everyone was struggling with instructions given to them. Worse, I struggled with the instructions given to me. There were slang terms used in the instructions I had never heard. After what seemed like ages, the teacher finally showed mercy and told us all to sit down. This is when she asked how it went. We all rolled our eyes and groaned, she knew how it went. She laughed and taught us the K.I.S.S. rule (keep it simple stupid). She explained to us that because we all have different backgrounds, education and experiences, a lot will get lost in translation.

Take this a step further, everyone has a different tolerance, 
a different idea beauty, 
a different idea of success, 
a different belief system,
a different expectation of themselves or others,
different abilities,
different goals,
different values and views all together.

    Nobody sees me the exact way I see myself in a mirror. No one will understand why I did something. No one will know what I chose not to say. Nobody will really know what is going on in my mind. Something that I do out of compassion and love, may be looked at as something self serving or out of pity. Any extra weight that I may feel I carry at times, can be looked at by others as beauty or envy as they wish they could put on weight and not be chastized for not eating enough. Everyone has a different tolerance for how they want their life to be or what happy means to them. Someone who excels in the chaos of a crowded room may wither at one on one conversation. In other words, whatever you say or do, will always be up to interpretation by others who have a different experience in their life.

5) You Hear Your Voice the Most, You Are Your Own Worst Critic (Unless You're a Narcissist)

    This one is pretty self explanatory and, no matter how many times you "reteach" yourself this, that nagging voice may still be there. I remember once a girlfriend and I were getting ready to go out to a club (remember what that is? Pre Covid Days!). I had a pair of jeans on that used to fit just a little bit better (prior to the freshman 15, the sophomore 7 and the graduation gain). I was feeling bloated and less than attractive and I clearly remember blowing up my cheeks and walking out of the bathroom saying "I am plump!" to my friend. She initially laughed but then got very serious on me when I told her I was going to change. She actually got upset with me and said that she would never let someone else say those things about me, so she isn't going to let me say those things. She then reassured me the way only a best friend can, by telling me I'm "hot" and that "any man would be lucky to have my attention", we finished our drinks and headed out to the Uber. Those words still ring through my mind. If you wouldn't let someone else say those things to you, stop saying them to yourself!

    If you are an artist, an athlete, a writer, if you have a passion for anything, pursue it and love it. Try, just try and say something nice about your work, your accomplishments each day before you start to rip it all apart. People see amazing things in you, you should at least try and do the same.

6) There is a Difference Between Equality and Equity

    Maybe not in these words but, this was a big lesson as a kid for me. Having an older sister who is into very different hobbies than I am and has very different interests and a very different personality, we were treated differently at times. Different things motivated her and different things motivated myself. Not everyone needs the same push. 

    This lesson translated very quickly into the workplace, especially in a supervisor role. Some employees were very self motivated and simply wanted recognition for their accomplishments and maybe even a little more responsibility, others, needed a little more time to learn new skills and a little more motivation to complete a job. Obviously, some are easier to work with than others but luckily, I had a manager who taught me that each employee can provide something important to the team if you just take the time to get to know them and work with them. 

7) Don't Take the "Little Things" for Granted

    Cliche, I know. But so are all the others. Those little moments that make you smile, the time a friend took to bring you a coffee or simply send you a message to check in, the quiet nights alone with a book and a glass of wine, the nights out with friends and a few too many drinks (yes these will come back). All of these things can mean the world to you, if you let them. I know that I spend a lot of time trying to organize a perfect games night or find the perfect way to say something to someone, when ultimately, my friends would be happy if I just put a bowl of chips in the middle of the table and put out cards against humanity. They don't care if my place is perfectly clean or if I have drinks for everyone (most bring their own). The time spent with them is what meant more than anything.

    More and more this year, I have learned exactly how much those little moments really do mean. The time I get to spend now with my dog, the time I know have each day to workout, getting to connect with my parents again as an adult. The video chats with my friends. The little escapes I get with friends (in my bubble of course) when allowed. The perfectly brewed coffee my mom makes every morning. The more I started focusing on these things, the more I started to look for the silver lining in things. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days but, even in those days I find it easier to accept that it is just a day.

A Love Letter for Today

I can say that I know it's been tough,

Or that I know you're past the point of breaking,

Or that every day gets more rough,

Or point out your smile you're faking,

I could say things will get better,

A brighter day will come,

That life as we know it,

Will return to normal when it's done,

But what good would that do?

I don't walk in your shoes,

I don't know the thoughts in your mind,

Or the challenges each day finds,

I don't know if it's money,

Health,

Sanity,

Or Fear

That makes you long for a much better year,

Or maybe there is more,

That I can't even fathom,

A loneliness, a broken heart,

The list goes on I imagine,

But I can say one thing,

No matter how low you may sink,

Take a look in the mirror,

You're doing better than you think,

Take a moment and breath in deep,

Pull the air into your lungs and count to three,

Now close your eyes and let the air escape,

It's time to untie the superhero cape,

If youre home feeling scared of what the future may hold,

Or mourning the loss of a business you sold,

If you don't feel anything, as if your heart has gone numb,

Or all you want to do is hide away and run

It's okay.

To those scared everyday your workplace may call,

Deemed "Essential" but seeing a notice on the wall,

Telling you the number of co-workers infected, all

Friends of yours, people you know,

Until you finally refuse a shift,

You just can't go,

You stop caring what the consequence may be,

Rather be at home, but youre far from free,

It's okay

If you find yourself tired of cooking for just one,

And all you miss is the bars, simple fun,

If you find that the only comfort comes,

From video chats with friends,

A few extra drinks,

And discussions of when this ends,

It's okay

If youre alone and away from the ones that you love,

And every single day gets a little more rough,

You find yourself angry waiting in line,

But keep repeating is going to be fine,

It's okay

If the everyday routine is slowly driving you crazy,

The days turn to nights and the difference is hazy,

You wake up without a clue, what to do today,

But the hours keep passing, while you stay,

In the same place, with no where to go,

The little joys of life you no longer know,

If you find yourself wishing for simpler times,

You find yourself crying with no reason why,

In time,

You will find

It's okay.

If you find you don't want to go back,

To the time before,

Happy to have time and reconnect with all those you hold dear,

If you find yourself appreciating the extra time to breath,

But then catch yourself on that thought and feel guilty,

Because you know you will,

How could you let yourself be happy as the world stands still?

It's okay

To The nurses, The drivers, the grocery store clerks,

The medics, The police, those in social care work,

The fire fighters, dispatchers answering emergency phones,

Those working each day at retirement homes,

All scared to bring anything home,

Many of us will never understand, the pressure you feel,

The questions each day, the time your hearts don't have to heal,

The days that you dread going in each day,

When every survival instinct says to stay away,

If you feel hollow, or broken, or like nothing is right,

The nightmares during the day are worse than those at night,

If the weight in your chest and the dread in your heart,

Feels like everything has begun to rip you apart,.

All I can say, is open your eyes, 

Put two feet on the ground,

Feel the surface below you,

This world needs you around.

Take it day by day, Minute by minute,

This world is better with you in it,

Take a moment to love yourself for,

Everything you have survived and so much more,

Whether it's in,

Pjs,

Sweats,

Or full makeup done,

If your hiding at home,

Or doing a grocery run,

It's okay if you don't come out of this with a new "side hustle"

Or if today simply showering was all you could muscle.

It's okay to feel lost, helpless or maybe even fine,

It's okay to be happy simply having extra time,

There is no rule book,

No lessons we took,

That would ever prepare us for this everyday fight,

Just know, what you're doing, you're doing it right

Feel the way you need to feel,

Because no matter what,

That's what's real

It's okay

You're okay

We are okay

Just take it day by day.

No Way Back

It was a different celebration this year for everyone. It meant so much for so many yet, unlike years before, the rules were different. Those who followed the rules stuck to virtual calls and at home celebrations, those who bent the rules slightly may have done a small gathering with trusted people and of course, we all know, there will be stories of those who shattered the rules completely and had large festivities as if it was any other year.

The superstition or belief that due to the change in a digit means a "new you" or a "new world" is actually a little crazy but, I get it. To have a set sign off to end a terrible year would be great. To truly believe that with the countdown to 0 all the negative and trying events of the year prior just fade away and disappear must be liberating. It provides hope. A chance that maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. 

Last night as I finally lay down to sleep after a small new years celebration, maybe it was the slightly larger than normal amount of alcohol consumed, maybe it was the virtual chats, maybe it was simply just a lack of sleep but, I felt my mind drifting to Groundhog Day and imagining if I woke up in the morning and instead of it being a new year, I actually woke up to January 1, 2020 to redo the whole year. My brain was flooded with how things have changed throughout the year and made me question if I had a redo, would I do anything different. Last year, on January 1, I was living in an apartment I had lived in for almost eight years, a city I had lived in for almost 14 years, I was driving to Pearson every morning for in class training for Air Traffic Control, and I was blissfully ignorant to what the year held. Since then, I graduated in class and was assigned to a different city for on the job training. I gave up my cozy, safe apartment, moved into a hotel and began the adventure. During the summer, I was placed on admin leave and moved out of the hotel into my parents. I spent a few months there, still ignorant to what was to come, and found an apartment in my new city. I moved in, and with a lot of help, painted the new apartment and made it feel like home. I finally settled and was eager to get back to work when that one call came. Training programs were cut, I was laid off. 

I remember the anger that ran through me, the fear and frustration, the panic.. thank god I got to the mute button before select words came out of my mouth, but once I processed I realized there really hadn't been a choice for the company. I realized I was still better off than I could have been and luckily, had only taken over a lease so wasn't fully locked in, was able to move out, put my stuff in storage and move in with, yes, at 31, my parents again. I settled back in and quickly got to work on applying for jobs and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It became clear that I had no idea anymore. Since January 1, 2020, I have lost friends, made new ones, moved multiple times, my car has been hit AGAIN (different story, never buy a red car), had time to get to know my parents again, felt totally lost and felt overwhelmed with choice. I have said goodbye to a life that was comfortable and safe and have thrown myself into a world of unpredictability without realized my choices would lead there. 

And here, lies the question, if I had a do over, knowing what I do know, would I do it all again? Would I still pursue the ATC career? Would I move? Would I wait around while on admin leave or start job hunting instead? Would I move into an apartment that I would be giving up in a few months? Different choices may have led to a much different life for this year but, ultimately, is different better? 

As I lay there, wondering if I had drank enough water to ensure I felt fine the next day, I found myself running a review of the year and the choices I made. As much as I would love to say that with a redo, I would have a better idea where my future would go, I wouldn't. As much as I would love to tell myself that with a redo, I would make different choices to keep on a steady path, I probably wouldn't.

I will never fully be able to comprehend the weight 2020 has created on people. I will never be able to understand the lasting effect covid has on the patients, the families, front line workers and everyone else. I know there are horrors from this year that many would much rather forget but I also know there were still glimmers of something good. The realization of who "essential workers" are and how low their compensation is. The time to slow down and spend time with family. An opportunity to get reacquainted with loved ones and get to know who they are now. A chance to see the shaky foundation so many economies and budgets have been built on simply in survival mode. This year gave people a different view and while yes, it has been devestating for many and has shown faults and failures in many systems, it was still a "new year" from the year prior. 

So really, with a redo, my choices would very much still look the same. Without those choices, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself, I wouldn't have overcome some of my most difficult challenges, I wouldn't have had a chance to build the friendships and relationships I have and, I most definitely, would not have taken the time to evaluate what really makes me happy and start to make decisions around that. So maybe a few altercations on a couple small choices but ultimately, even with everything 2020 has been a year for the books and I am ready to run full force into 2021 with everything I have learned. 

It may be a new year, but it isn't a new me. I am me and that won't change simply with one digit rotating into a new one. I love who I am becoming even at my age, and that, I won't change.

Please, with all the negativity, the loss and the struggle from 2020, take a moment and ask yourself if you really would do something different and what would you be sacrificing if you did. Take time to review your choices and the changes and please, take time to trust yourself and simply, believe in yourself.

Cheers to a new year! Bring on 2021.

Thank You

It was an anger that had been festering in my chest over months. An anger that grew with every disappointment, every foolish protest, every article, every new covid count release. It was a vice that wrapped tighter and tighter making me more resentful towards the world. It made me see the worst in everyone. Their little habits that drove me nuts. People's inability to hold a door or even their lack of thanks when you held a door for them. Thankfully I was wearing a mask in public so no one could actually see that my smile had been replaced with a scowl. 

I was focusing on the lost. Like many others, I had lost someone to covid, lost someone else to cancer, lost my job (and with it, I felt, my future), I had lost my life I gave up for the job that I lost, the list just kept going. I let bitterness slide into my mind and then most recently, my move that erupted into chaos with every new development. From simple UHaul mess ups over and over to issues with property management, people not keeping their word, and even lack of judgement on how big my four door sedan is, I was spiraling into a state where all I could see was bad. I hated it, I could see I was doing it but couldn't stop and then what is worse, I hated myself for getting to that point. 

It all came to a crashing halt yesterday, almost literally. I was stressed, nothing had gone the way it was supposed to but somehow things had worked out enough to get through. I had my car fully loaded with what was left of my stuff that hadn't fit into the UHaul and hadn't been stored with an amazing friend I made while living where I was. My puppy was in the backseat and I was making my way to my parents. It was snowy and I hadn't gotten my snow tires on yet since I had just recently gotten my car back from the shop after being side swiped. I was driving at about 50 km/hr on an 80 km/hr road (yes I was being one of those people) and just as I got over the peak of a hill and started to go downhill, I saw a car ahead start to skid out of control. I hit my brakes and quickly realized there was no traction. I tried every trick I knew, even streering into the skid but as if in slow motion, my car slid a full 360 and slid down into the ditch softly stopping without hitting anything. My car was stuck. I was stuck. 

I looked over and saw someone walking towards my car. This man waved to a pickup truck driver who also stopped. Without a single hesitation, both checked to make sure I was okay, said hi to my pup and proceeded to work on hooking up my car to the pickup to pull out. It was across two active lanes so we had to wait for a gap, which seemed to never come, but they patiently waited. Once we got one the truck driver backed up while the other man hooked my car up to get it out as quick as possible. A quick tug and my car was free. I pulled over after to thank them and try to find anything in my car to give them as thanks but was told not to worry and just to drive safe. 

As I pulled away I felt tears in my eyes. Not because I was sad, not because I was scared but because instantly all of the things I have to be grateful for came flooding into my mind. The things I had failed to see. The fact that yes, I lost my job but not the experience. The fact that my amazing parents and family have been there for me every step of the way. The fact that I have friends who showed up for me to help when there really was nothing in it for them and they did it without question. The fact that I have someone in my life willing to give up days, weeks, just to help me and be there for me, asking nothing in return. The fact that even just living somewhere for a short period of time I came to know an incredible woman who helped me move without hesitation and even let me store things at her place while I figured stuff out. The fact that complete strangers had stopped in a snowstorm and the freezing cold to pull me out without asking for anything. 

Days still feel heavy, stress still is there but, to those complete strangers, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity and helping me see a much brighter side to this world. 

What Can We Do?

I cried today. Not for a specific reason, and yet for so many reasons. It wasn’t the type of tears that fall begging for someone to hold me, it wasn’t the tears I’ve cried at funerals mourning the loss of a loved one, it wasn’t like tears I had ever cried before.

I wasn’t trying to hide from anyone to seem brave or to pretend I was okay, they were simply my tears and, mine alone. As silly and as odd as it sounded, I simply wanted to cry, uninterrupted without the burden of trying to explain why. I didn’t need a hug, or someone to tell me they were there for me, I know they are. I didn’t need a reminder that I wasn’t alone, I know I’m not. I simply needed to let it out. Something in my brain just told me it was time to let everything out… and I don’t own a punching bag at this time so, the tears just started to fall.

These tears were all the emotions that had been caught in my throat but didn’t come out. It was the frustrations that built over time, those moments where my eyes glossed over as if tears were going to fall but they didn’t. It was the moments of anger and sadness I had stacked on top of each other. It was the loss of a friend, the fear for a family member, the constant reminder that the future, is completely outside of our control.

Tragedies, one after another, constantly in your face no matter where you look. The feeling of helplessness mixed with a complete lack of understanding of the emotions you are feeling. Quicker to anger than you mean to be, and therefore hurting those you love with a sharper than intended response. Lower energy, as the “to do” list continues to pile up and you convince yourself that when the gyms open you will get back in shape, but who really knows when that will be. The feeling of being trapped in a “twilight zone” where you are just “killing time” with no real purpose or plan. Spinning in circles, no real path.

I spent so much time, pushing myself forward, constantly striving to improve one way or another, that I forgot what it felt like to focus on things closer to home or even in my own mind. I was always pushing to the next step, the next moment, that really, I hadn’t stopped to check in with me. I hadn’t taken those moments to grieve what I needed to grieve or even process huge life changes that had taken place. It was simply about pushing down those doubts and emotions and moving on to the next step. Good or bad, the dialogue in my mind had become so disconnected with my body that my brain could be screaming at me to slow down, but my body would do the opposite. I had burned myself out before and instead of really giving myself a moment to understand what had caused it, I started focusing on moving forward from it once I realized what it was.

I find myself upset, with myself, with the world, with my lack of control over my future right now, but then even more upset that I can’t just enjoy the time I have. I end up at a war with myself, appreciating the time I have but, still trying to plan for an unpredictable future.

I know I am not the only one who has escaped even just for a moment, whether it’s to finally let those tears fall or to just be alone. We were never taught how to handle this. This wasn’t something we learned in school, nor is it something that could ever be prepared for. Each situation is so unique that it would be impossible to tell someone the best way to get through this.

My tears fell, for no specific reason but for so many reasons. It didn’t magically make everything okay by just letting it out, but it made my chest feel just a little lighter. It helped me to take a deep breath in, hold my head up, and realize that I’m going to be okay.

You've Got a Friend in Me

It's amazing how priorities change. Something that seemed so important and significant a month ago, doesn't even hit the radar anymore. One little event or person that caused you to lose sleep this same day last year, is a distant memory today that doesn't even cause a blip in your pulse if it crosses your mind. The people you swore were your "bff" and imagined hanging out together old and wrinkly, are simply another name on your Instagram feed that pops up once in a while. 

I've noticed that as I get older, I don't want the same people in my life that I used to. No longer do I crave those people that laugh at my jokes and boost my ego. No longer do I care if the person I'm with likes the same music that I do or cheers for the same sports team. Those people that used to always be down for a drink no matter the time or day, or the ones that always wanted to go out now are no where to be found when real life events hit. Don't get me wrong, those friendships were still real, just different. They were based around an environment that just couldn't last. 

Instead of craving someone to tell me that my new hair colour looks great, I crave someone who instead, will ask me how my new job is going and actually listen to my response. Instead of getting excited when a friend messages me to go out to the bar for a drink, I smile when my friend asks me to go for a walk, for dinner or even just if it's a good time to call. Instead of hoping that someone will agree with me about everything because my fragile inexperienced ego can't take a disagreement, I look to hear a different perspective from my friends who aren't afraid to disagree with me. Instead of telling me everything is okay because I'm nervous about moving, they send me a list of things to do in the new city and tell me they can't wait to do those things with me when they visit. Instead of looking to date a man who just wants to make me happy, I look for someone who knows how to make himself happy and isn't afraid of sadness.

Yes, I know some of my friends are laughing at this right now and are ready to tell me I'm getting old, and that's why I love you. It's weird, it feels like it almost happened overnight but I know it didn't. It feels like all of a sudden, I looked around and I wanted different things, from people, from my life, from everything. Don't get me wrong, I still love the late nights with a few drinks and the nights we end on the dance floor as the lights come on, but that's no longer the solid connections. 

My friends now are the ones who know how to tell me I'm being crazy or dramatic when I am, and aren't afraid that I might get annoyed. My friends are the ones who, even in the hardest times, tell me the truth, knowing that even if it upsets me in that time, our bond is stronger than that and I will get over it and be grateful for the truth. My friends are the ones that know they can say "not today" or even "too tired" and get that I will understand. My friends are the ones that understand "life happens" and know I understand the same. 

It's a lesson I wish I learned a little earlier but I am happy I am slowly learning now. The value of real, honest and opinionated people is impossible to quantify but I know I am lucky enough to have quite a few people like that in my life. 

The one lesson I wish I had learned sooner: Don't be afraid of disagreement, don't be afraid to have a different opinion and express it and don't be afraid if someone does the same to you. Respect those people, they are the ones you want in your life.

Hold on Loosely

Take a handful of playdoh and roll it up into a perfect ball. Place the playdoh in your hand with your palm facing upward and slight cupped. If you tilt your hand side to side, the playdoh will roll back and fourth and ultimately fall out of the cup back to the table.

Now, place the playdoh back in your hand and fold your hand over fully without pressing into the ball. You can tilt your hand back and fourth, even shake your hand. The ball will roll around inside your hand, maybe even shift it's shape slightly but, will remain within your hand.

Next, grip as tightly as you can into the playdoh. Try to keep it in that ball form and do not allow any to escape through the cracks of your fingers but, squeeze as hard as you can. The ball will quickly be destroyed and, no matter how hard you fight, the playdoh will begin to escape through your fingers.

Consider this ball your relationships, your friendships, even your goals. The harder and tighter you hold onto someone or an idea, the more you destroy the initial thing you were holding onto. The tighter you hold onto how something "should be" or how someone "should act" the more you will have to fight with things going "wrong".

On the other side...no effort at all, and you lose everything.

It's an almost impossible balance to obtain. Somehow, you have to keep the goal in mind, or show the person affection, let it shift and move around, without grasping too tightly or letting go (I seem to remember a song about this...).

The point is, the harder we try to fight to keep things exactly the same and in the same place, the more we are at risk of destroying it completely. 

Things change, people change, goals change.

Running on Empty

Today was hard and I didn’t know why. The weather was overcast and colder than it should be, but that shouldn’t matter. Work is slowing down which can put a strain on finances, but at least I have a job. I’m stressing about an upcoming recruitment test, but at least I have the opportunity. The pain from whiplash I received after my car was rear ended is tiresome, but it could have been a lot worse. I haven’t been able to go to the gym or be as active as I would like, but at least my physio will be covered. I put on a few extra pounds over the past month, making me pull at my clothing and try on a few extra outfits before I go out, but I am still in better shape than I was two years ago.

I should be grateful for those amazing people I have in my life, and I am. I should be thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my fridge, and I am.  I should just be happy and enjoy my life, but today I can’t.

For some reason, something just feels off. Everything takes a little extra effort. I’m irritable and snapping on those people that are just trying to help. I’m tired and lack the normal motivation I carry. I’m worried about what I’m going to wear for an interview even though I still have days to plan. My chest feels tight and my mind won’t focus. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be grateful?

I get angry with myself when I feel this way. I have never been diagnosed with depression, nor do I think I need to be. These days are few and far in between. I have people I can talk to but, I don’t know how to explain what is going through my head.

The day to day stress, the added up toll each event has taken on me and the overall demands that come simply from being an adult have become almost too much. I say almost because I still got up in the morning. I still put my feet on the floor as much as I didn’t want to, and I still dragged myself outside to make sure my dog got outside. The fresh air woke me up a little and gave me hope that this feeling would lift but it didn’t. Just another reason to be disappointed in myself.

I got dressed and got to work. I found small, easy tasks to keep me busy and just did them at my own pace. I kept reminding myself just to be grateful for the job. Each task felt mindless, and worse, meaningless but, with each task complete, at least I did something. I started looking through my calendar to see what I could plan to help lift this and realized I don’t have a day off for the next two weeks…. Oh goody. That’s okay, at least I have a job.

It wasn’t until I stopped for lunch that I realized what this was, I am burnt out. Plain and simple. I am tired from the physical pain in my neck and shoulders, I am tired of feeling like no matter how hard I work it will never be enough and ultimately, I am just tired. Now what?

Now, it’s time to stop being mad with myself. It’s time to stop being disappointed in myself for feeling this way and just accept that this is a hard day. It’s time to give myself permission to feel like this and, to do what I must so that I feel better. The more I fight this the worse it gets. The more I blame myself and call myself “selfish” or “spoiled”, the more I start to believe it and the worse I will feel.

I am not writing this for pity, I am writing this because I know EVERYONE has felt this way one time or another. Sure, there are reasons I can blame but, when push comes to shove, the reason is simple, I am burnt out just like so many of you. It’s hard sometimes to pin point it. You just start to feel tired, start to count the days until a day off, start to feel the weight on your chest… slowly over time. Before you know it, your energy is at zero and all you want to do is go to the nearest international airport and hop on a plane to some tropical island where the sun is shining, the water is clear and you have a delicious drink in your hand without a care in the world.

So how am I going to cope today? I am going to start planning that trip. Maybe it won’t be for another couple months or maybe not for a year but, it will happen, and I am going to start taking small little steps to get to it. Much like today at work, those small mindless, meaningless tasks may feel like nothing but, they add up to complete an entire shift. Then before you know it, it’s home time.

All that cheesy stuff of “eat right”, “get exercise”, “take time to appreciate the little things”… all great advice but not realistic right now. Sure, I can pick to snack on carrots instead of chips (that’s easy) and, I can go for a walk with my dog (not the same feeling as an actual workout but it’s something) and, I can appreciate so much in my life but, how will that help now? Nothing is going to immediately help so, for now, it’s time to just acknowledge that I am allowed to feel this way, it will pass and I can do small things to push that along.

Today may have been hard, tomorrow may be harder, but at least now I can accept that and let myself feel that way. At least now, I know what I have to do and can stop beating myself up for something I can’t control.

Push It

We live in a society where everyone lives by a highlight reel broadcasted on Instagram or Snapchat that hides their “bloopers” or “reality” from the world. Everything is edited, filtered or catered to an audience. If you are sitting there thinking “I don’t use filters” and “I don’t do this” … if you are being honest, good for you but, if I’m being honest, I call BS. Whether you use a filter on a picture or simply filter through which pictures you post, it is still a filter. Everyone caters their social media to portray whatever image it is that they want others to see. Even those who post EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, are still working to create a specific image. I can focus on how twisted this world is that we live in where many determine their value simply by their social media presence but, I feel like that topic is tired and repetitive. We all know the implications, we all claim we don’t do it and yet we all do, let’s move on.

What I want to focus on is a message that seems to keep coming up in so many social media feeds which is “you don’t NEED a boyfriend” or “you don’t NEED something you don’t have”. These are very important messages that I do agree with but, I also think it can stray away from another message of; “it’s okay to WANT something”. Just because you don’t need something but want something, doesn’t make you a bad person or a weak person. It is human nature and a strong motivating factor to keep moving forward in your life.

Just because you have a comfortable life, doesn't mean you can't give up on wanting adventure.

Just because you have accepted that you don’t need more money to be happy, doesn’t mean you can’t work harder at your job to move up the ladder and make more. 

Just because you don’t need a significant other, doesn’t mean you can’t go on dates and meet no people hoping that there is someone out there you click with. 

Just because you have accepted that you don’t need that perfect beach body, doesn’t mean that you can’t push yourself harder at the gym or make healthier choices for food… even just occasionally.

Desire and wanting is not a bad thing. It comes down to what you do with it that will determine one way or another. You can look at a picture of your friend at a beautiful resort and wish you had the means to make a vacation like that happen for yourself but, instead of getting jealous, maybe talk to that person. Ask them how they saved up. Maybe take a good look at what you are spending your money on and start to prioritize or, even meet with a Financial Advisor.

That drive that can come from a basic desire of something you want for yourself can be powerful if you channel it right. Don’t let it turn into jealousy or self pity but, embrace it and work towards what you want.

I truly believe you should find happiness with what you have and be grateful for it all. That doesn’t mean you can’t push for more. I’m not going to lie, after seeing some messages on social media I almost started to feel guilty for the drive and ambition that I have, for the things that I want in my life. Until I stopped to think about it. Why should I feel guilty for taking steps towards more? I am grateful that I was raised with a drive to keep pushing for more in my life and yet, I love the life I live right now. It isn’t one or the other and ambition should not be frowned on.

Basically, all I am saying is that it is okay to want something. Just don’t blame others for you not having it. Work towards it, push yourself, plan and stick to it.